Ritz

Ritz Project Part 1

2010-01-18T07:20:00.003-06:00

Every Saturday/Sunday I plan on setting a goal for myself and by the time the following week rolls around I plan on accomplishing it.

Lesson learned- By trying to cram everything into one day, I don't accomplish what I want and end up frustrated and angry at myself. If I sit for too long, I feel like I'm wasting my day. There are seven days in a week and I try to cram all I want and need to do into two...sometimes one.

Yesterday was good example. I wanted to get everything done in one day. I know I have all week but that didn't matter.There is no reason I shouldn't do something for myself in the evenings. I never have so it's time that I do. And..I'm suppose to enjoy the process not rush through it.

So what did I accomplish? I made Cuban black beans in a bed of rice, palomilla steaks, fried plantains, and an avocado salad with Florida avocados and the last of a tomato I had. Though I have made this a ton of times, I did allow myself to enjoy the process and not hurry through it. Do you know that I have never paid attention to the aroma in the kitchen? Not this time...I took it all in and it was wonderful. I did hurry through for the picture taking part. There really was no reason except for my head telling me that everyone else was in a hurry to eat. Well that's something else to work on.

But here it is....

The Ritz Project

2010-01-17T11:28:00.002-06:00

As the date for my 50th birthday steadily approached, I retreated from life. On the outside, it was business as usual. Ahhh, but on the inside? I felt like I was dying. The fact that I was actually turning 50 wasn't the problem. It wasn't the number. It was the realization that I was not truly happy. Not with David or the family but with myself. So what did I do to turn things around? Nothing. November and December brought more bad news. David got laid off again. Still, on the outside I was chipper and optimistic. I was the cheerleader for everyone else. I felt like I was drowning. But sometimes life will kick you in the ass and make you wake up....make you pay attention.

My wake up call was almost losing David in the new year.

As our Christmas festivities came to an end, Tony went back to Denver and I went back to work. David began to complain about his leg around this time. What made things worse was his refusal to come to my office to get the leg scanned. I of course was thinking he had a DVT...a clot in his leg. By New Years Eve I knew it was bad because he didn't want to go to the party we were invited to. By this time he complained of pain on his right side and seemed short of breath. I asked then insisted we should go to the ER. He flat out refused. On January 2 he couldn't take the pain any longer and when he came down from what I thought was a nap he was gasping for air.

I don't know who I am more mad at...him for not listening to me or me for not being more persistent. Irregardless, it turns out he has 2 clots in his leg and 2 clots in his lungs. He made to the ER in time and started on blood thinners. But even with all that, a week later while in the hospital he starts to complain of chest pain. Now i think back on that day and wonder how he made it through.. One of his clots in his lungs got bigger and he threw a new clot in there, The doctor had told him he would die if this happened again. But it did happen again and thankfully he is still here with me.

Before David went into surgery last week, he said he was not scared to die because he is happy with the life he's led and is good with God. As I anxiously awaited for the surgery to be over, I thought, crap...I couldn't say the same. So instead of a New Years resolution (that I blow off within days)......I'm calling it the Ritz Project.

Whats the Ritz Project you wonder? Well it is allowing yourself to take time to learn something new, explore something you are interested in, or do something out of the ordinary just for yourself. What I hope to accomplish with this project is to better know myself, my true needs and wants. Also to discover what really makes me happy.

I'm calling it a project for a few reasons

1) I need accountability .... I'm including a few close friends and blogging about it every week. Hopefully get some of you out there interested too and we can support each other.

2) Making resolutions...really? Doesn't work for me at all.

3) Sounds like work but in a fun way. I'm approaching it like I do my job, which BTW..I'm great at. I have proof...my evaluation says so.

I am 50 and dammit I am determined to find out who I am and what it is I love. Who's with me? Who wants to learn a little more about themselves, discover a new passion?

Today, I'm am making a thank you card for my coworkers (instead of buying one), making a special dinner and photographing both. This is incorporating three things I'm interested in: cooking, art, and photography.

Your turn...tell me what you are interested in.

Just like Christmas...Gone in a Flash.

2009-06-28T12:49:00.009-05:00

My friend Mary said it best. "Just like Christmas. We look forward to Tony coming home for so long...then he's gone is a flash! :( "

On Wed. Forth Yeer had a show at Beat Kitchen (great food...great venue) with The Wanderers and The Blind Staggers (Damien's band). They got in at 9am in order for Tony to spend some time with family and friends. In true Tony fashion he was so excited to be coming home, that he hadn't slept in 24 hours and wasn't planning on it either. After visiting all morning, he finally took a nap so he could play that evening.

Damien's drummer Sara couldn't make the show so he had to put together musicians to play his music. It was definitely different than the CD but those guys playing and Laura singing....WOW.

I had to borrow a camcorder (something else to put on my list of need to buy) but I'm missing the cable thingy that connects from the camcorder to the computer. I will be getting one this week and then posting the best ones. They look great on the camcorder, hopefully it looks and sounds that good once I download.

Laura was recordered but the sound and quality isn't that great. But something is something.

Once his show was over, Damien called Tony up on stage to play with him.
Even though it wasn't planned and they haven't played together in awhile, it was fantastic to see them together again. It was wonderful to hear the crowd singing along but when Damien told Tony that is was the most fun he had all night....well this Mom cried buckets.

Hormones and Meltdowns

2009-06-28T09:27:00.012-05:00

Is it that my hormones are out of whack or am I losing it??? In the past few weeks I have gone from teary eyed to downright sobbing. I mean the ugly cry. You know the ugly cry. The face, snot, wailing sounds...yeah, the ugly cry.

It started out of nowhere as me and David ordered burgers. I even had to put my sunglasses on so no one would notice, including him. Yeah..that didn't work. That started the questions, what did he do or say. Gotta love guys, they automatically think they've done something wrong. Which most of the time they have...but not this time. I couldn't even talk as I ate my burger through tears. I thought about it as we rode home on the bike with the sun shining down on us. It was such a gorgeous day.....and I'm in tears. GEEZ!!!! Though I had been crying for a few weeks, it was the first time I had cried in front of anyone and had to explain what I felt.

When we got home, Lucy had some "splaining" to do. Wow, where do I start? I feel like time is running out and I haven't explored the things I want to do. Haven't taken the time to do things I enjoy doing. The kids are grown and mostly out (well, baby girl is back) and my life is still revolving around everyone else. What they are doing and how they feel. Why? Why do I keep doing this? There are things I enjoy but I have no one to enjoy them with. I don't do things by myself. So I don't do them. I'm going to need to learn how to, otherwise I'm never going to do anything, and it will be the vicious circle.

I told David that even though I enjoy music and love watching our kids perform, it's his passion and their passion....not mine. I love art and photography. He use to paint in oils and hasn't in like 20 or more years. He says it's because he doesn't have the time. When we moved from Miami to Lancaster,Ca, he gave away everything, all his art stuff. Though he supports anything I do and gives me constructive criticism, he hasn't been interested in pursuing painting again. I would love for us to share that.

Instead of seeing myself as a blubbering idiot once again, I decided to make some changes. I want to create more, take some art classes....I want to take photography classes...I want to....I need to...do more me stuff. Ribfest was my first step. But obviously afternoon festing is not my thing unless there is beer involved. So early festing is the answer. It inspires me and gets the creative juices flowing. It just gives me that feel good high. Add booze and that's just perfection.

The big birthday is around the corner and nipping at my heels. So I want the Canon Rebel as my present. There is a photography studio that holds classes right by work. I'm going to enroll. There is an art studio on my way home from work....going to enroll in some classes there too. I'm tired of just rearranging stuff in my studio and not creating.

Here are some pictures of what I've been doing since my meltdown on poor David. I've also included a picture of how David spent Father's day.....pouring concrete in order to get ready for Tony's arrival (that's a post all on it's own....oh I cried buckets then too, but for different reasons)

Custer's Last Stand Festival - Went with my boss and had a blast. Inspiration galore!!! She is exactly like me and we went early and left as the place was getting packed.

Even though it was sweltering hot....I came home and started these....

Though they only have a few layers and they are not done, at least it's a start.

And it was so worth the sunburn.... OUCH!

We took Desi to the lake...ah to see sand and water through the eyes of a child.

He walked into the water like a man possessed. Isn't there a movie where Bill Murray does that?

And finally....Father's Day in Ritzland.

We now were ready for Tony's arrival.

Moment of Silence for Michael Jackson

2009-06-27T22:21:00.001-05:00

It was October 1984. Damien was 4 years old and loved all that was Michael Jackson. We finally were in a good place financially and since we only had Damien and weren't planning on any more kids (HA!), we decided to indulge our only child and take him to his first concert. We didn't tell him where we were taking him, but to see that boy's eyes light up the moment Michael Jackson took the stage is still priceless to me. That's all the boy talked about for weeks.

Both David and I grew up watching the Jackson5 get famous. I loved watching Michael dance, it was truly amazing. On Thursday as we were relaxing in our hotel room celebrating the beginning of our anniversary weekend, we got a call from Tony, who had just left Chicago for the next leg of his own tour, to tell us Michael Jackson had died. Although Tony didn't grow up during MJ's rise, he was a huge fan. He considered him a musical genius.

We sat in our hotel room transfixed to the TV watching CNN and MTV. Unbelievable to think he was only 50 and now he is gone.

Another legend dies.............

Ribfest with a Toddler

2009-06-15T07:36:00.004-05:00

Have I gotten THAT old?

Yesterday was finally a warm sunny day here in Chicago and we decided we wanted to go to one of the neighborhood festivals. We also knew Desi was being dropped off since both Emilie and Damien had to work in the afternoon. David (in all his wonderful wisdom) said we'd just take him along.

First off...As I've gotten older, I realize I don't like big crowds, extreme heat, and small children. Okay, maybe not the small children but the parents of said children. What's with this generation of parents? I have child...therefore I am...attitude? Within an hour of being there,I was ready to punch someone in the face. I should have just had a beer. Which I kept repeating to David as I passed each beer stand.

Ribfest was PACKED at 3 in the afternoon. It was a sea of people....with their kids...in strollers. Did I say strollers and packed? It was shoulder to shoulder...yet there were strollers in the street. Drunk people and strollers is just a catastrophe waiting to happen. Can you tell that we didn't bring one and that I never got my beer?

Aside from the fact that I had to deal with obnoxious parents getting pissed that the sea of people didn't part as they tried to maneuver their Cadillacs of strollers around the crowd, the thought of trying to eat ribs with your elbows tucked in so that someone wouldn't bump into you and have your ribs going flying....well, it was too much.

After we let Desi go apeshit in some type of maze contraption, I was more than ready to go home, not because of him, but because by this time, I had tripped over a gazillion damn strollers. David commented on how good Desi was and that he wasn't whining or complaining...his grandmother was. Yeah? And? Your point?

So here I have a few pointers for going to these great summer festivals for the anxious, impatient, parents get on your nerves...type of people like me.

a) Hit and Run....go early, eat, check out the vendors...listen to some tunes and get the hell out when it gets crowded to where you can't extend an arm.

b) If you have kids and you are going mid day...leave the strollers at home...or the attitude....I understand the stroller thing..but the attitude? no.

c)GET BEER!!

See, I know that if I would have had a few beers in me, I would have been a happy camper and not cared about ANYTHING. Crowds, parents, strollers... or maybe I would have really punched someone in the face. Either way...I wouldn't have been cranky and needed a nap.

But the day wasn't about me...SHOCK...I know...it was about taking Desi out. David was right, the kid was great. He couldn't complain...he had the best seat in the house. I know because I had the same seat 30 years ago and 30 pounds ago when I got tired too.

On a side note...I know I have been MIA lately. Sorry. I've been going through a thing. I will address it all soon. My anniversary is next week and Tony is coming through Chicago while touring. Will give details this week of all my fun plans and my not so fun patch I've been dealing with.

Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head

2009-05-23T10:31:00.006-05:00

Literally it rained IN my house and ON my head last Friday. Needless to say, we fired the plumber.

We finally were going to build the master bathroom of our dreams. Can you say bathroom heaven??? I had visions of my own personal spa every night after work. David was installing all kinds of doodads. Things to warm the towels as well as our buttcheeks on cold winter days. Marble and granite all around me as I take my rain shower and mist or relax sore muscles in the jaccuzzi. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We are even installing a bidet. How European of us huh?

There were a few other plumbing work we needed to have done before running the pipes up 2 flights. I didn't think much about it. I knew there would be concrete dug up in the basement. I would be minus washer and dryer for a couple of weeks, but all worth the sacrifice.

That was until I came home from an exhausting day at work to find dirt...YES DIRT paths from the basement door into my kitchen and through the dining room and up the stairs. WTF??? And the plumber? He was done for the day. The stuff under my sink thrown to the side on the floor. Dirt was everywhere!

David is an electrician and has done general construction. I know for a fact that if he has worked in a house where people are actually living while renovating.....he has cleaned up after himself each day. No dirt paths.

I was beyong angry and he came home and was not too pleased though not for the same reasons. Seems the plumbing was going in crooked. David can do plumbing but since he is not confident in it, he wanted a professional. He said, even he would have done a better job, he had a talk with the guy. When Friday rolled around and Chicago had a torrid rainfall....that was the last straw. There was water coming in from who knows where he poked through and seeping down the dining room wall. As I was inspecting the wall.....raindrops fell on my head.

That's it.... YOU'RE FIRED!!!

A friend of ours is a union plumber and his son is an apprentice and they are doing the job now after he heard waht happened. What is it costing us? An old Harley that Anjelika was riding. Though baby girl isn't too happy about it, she understands. Trade off is she wants to be able to use our bathroom once and awhile. Now I'm saying yes yes yes to anything...I just want my house back in order and calgon to take me away.

Here is the chaos that is our basement.....construction to begin again next week.

I Am The Boss of You

2009-05-23T07:47:00.004-05:00

Last month I was promoted to supervisor of the Cardiology Lab. Eight years ago, two of the cardiologists I worked with at the hospital joined a group that was starting a Chicago branch. They recruited me to head the lab but since I had to go through the main office there were obstacles to me coming on board. One of them being money, the other my benefits. After so many years at the hospital, I really didn't want to start over. So I turned them down and I would help out on my day off and do testing. In less than a year they had gone through two techs and approached me again. This time I stated what I needed in order to come on board and also what I could offer them. Again we couldn't come to an agreement. As for the docs, they apologized since that part was out of their hands. I came to learn that this was a big group with offices in 3 of the western suburbs, board of directors, blah, blah, blah. I wasn't too upset, I had my job. But then a few incidents happened that thoroughly pissed me off and one of the docs told me I would never advance there. I took vacation time.....I was pissed and needed downtime. As my time off was coming to an end, I told David I didn't want to go back, so he told me to quit. I knew I wouldn't...couldn't do that. My last morning off, I greeted him by again saying I didn't want to go back and he sleepily answered, "So quit". That morning I got a call from the Chicago office manager offering me the job again, without thinking I answered YES. When David got up I told him what I did. I was in shock...what did I do? What about the money, the benefits? I'm going backwards... I'm going into the unknown.

Thank God she called me back. Seems I shocked her as much as I shocked myself and she wanted to make sure I had accepted. Thankfully they had agreed on the things I had asked for. Whew! Two weeks later I was reorganizing the lab.

Seven years later we have grown from 2 docs to 8 docs... from 2 receptionists to 3 with 2 M.A.'s, 3 nurses, 1 nurse practitioner, 1 research nurse, 1 asst. manager and 5 techs, including myself.

Things have been running smoothly and we finally have a full staff. As we grew, I went from tech to testing coordinator ( which to me sounded like a glorified scheduler) and now supervisor. Since I started I headed the testing lab, I ran daily operations. I seriously didn't think that what I was doing was much different than being the supervisor. HA! boy was I wrong.

The daily operations portion isn't bad, there are quite a bit of things the office manager took care of that I didn't have to do. Now I am. The sucky part of the job that I didn't anticipate....the actual supervising of others. Things do change once those same people you work with now see you as their boss and there always has to be a squeaky wheel. To say I was overwhelmed this past month is an understatement. Thankfully I have a great office manager that is not only my boss but has become a friend. She saw me sinking and offered her hand. It's now a transition, which basically means I can do what I do best and work together on the drama and BS.

I am breathing easier today...now if the drama and BS could be handed off as easily at home...I'd be all good.

Road Rage-The New Generation

2009-05-09T20:01:00.002-05:00

Yesterday I decided to go over to Barnes and Noble to pick up Jen Lancaster's (she's hilarious, go check her out) new book Pretty in Plaid, with Desi in tow. Though I wasn't in a huge hurry, I found myself stuck behind a woman going 10..ok maybe 20 in a 35 MPH zone. OMG!!! I wanted to pull my hair out. I don't do well in traffic. Yes, I've lived in Chicago most of my life but I have zero patience. There was no way to get around her either. Just as I was ready to say something out loud, baby boy yells GO, GO GO.

I turn around and see him bent sideways looking between the seats at the car ahead of us. As I laughed, I could have sworn I heard "Oh Shit....GO GO GO" So I say "what did you say?" and he repeats it.....3 times. Ok, I did hear right.

Now I'm thinking.....hmmmm, either that boy reads minds or maybe what I was thinking, I actually may or may not have said out loud.

I'll stick to the fact that he may be psychic.....and Mima has learned that he is now repeating EVERYTHING he hears.

You Like Me! You Really Like Me!

2009-05-03T08:15:00.007-05:00

Presently there are 125 posts in my Google Reader waiting for me to read. And that's only because I haven't had a chance to read in 3 days. I love to blog hop and check out different blogs. My biggest problem is that I don't always comment. I always plan on going back and leaving a little snippet and then ......I forget. I should tie a string around my finger before I open up my Google Reader. ANYWAYS.... Midlife Musings over at Midlife and Beyond bestowed upon me a lovely award. My first! YEA FOR ME!!! Go check her out, I'll wait.

Now that you're back here are the rules:

1) Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award, and his or her blog link.

2) Pass the award to 15 other blogs that you've newly discovered. Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award.

I Need a Martini Mom - Vodka Mom has been around for awhile and has quite the following, but I haven't and don't. So she is new to me. Her stories make me laugh and touch my heart.

The Fifty Factor - After reading one of her posts, I had to start at the beginning. Need I say more? Menopause and humor. I'm there.

Kristabella - She lives in the city and has great stories to tell. Plus I follow her tweets, they amuse me.

Violence Unsilenced - Because no human being should have to go through any of this. Because my best friend went through similar circumstances at a time no one talked about it. She told me years later, I wish I knew back then and could have helped.

Menopausal Stoners - Trish reminds me of my best friend in NY who is 10 yrs older then me and makes the worst poster child for a "Say No to Drugs" campaign. If you saw her you would never think she smokes...you may think she would be uptight. She would just rather have a joint than a martini.

Metrodad - Having kids make for some great stories. He has the same type of humor as my oldest son and my DIL. Therefore he is hilarious

Empty Spaces - I'm trying to learn how to take better pictures. The pictures he posts are thought provoking and they inspire me. He gives proper credit and that's a plus.

Blah, Blah, Blahg - Miss B always has something pretty and she gives pointers on digital photography.

47 and Starting Over - Julie takes you along on her new journey and the fact that she has a warning label on her blog....well that won me over.

BlackBird - I love to people watch. She takes it to a whole new level and you are right there.

Expensive Mistakes and Cheap Thrills - Gotta love her blog design. Always interesting.

Jen Lancaster - When I read her book Such a Pretty Fat , I ran back to Borders and bought the other two. Then I had to meet her and have my book signed. I became a huge stalker/fan. Toma toe/tomato.

Everyday Adventures of Me In The City - Jessica is in her 20's and lives in the city. Ahhh to be in my twenty's again. She talks about good places to eat here.

Women Over 40 Rock - Talent.

Polymath Chronicles - Another Chicago author, Stacey Ballis makes a mean Mionetini

So there you have it. Now to go catch up on the now 128 posts in my Reader.

An Old Friend Becomes A New Friend

2009-05-01T11:50:00.003-05:00

"The best mirror is an old friend."- George Herbert

My awkward stage had to have been between the ages of twelve and fourteen. I had gained a huge amount of weight and hit puberty. At 15, I lost the weight and along with it, gained some self esteem. But at 13 I just wanted the Earth to swallow me whole.

Jackie was the new girl in school. She was quiet. I thought she was so pretty. She ended up hanging with my small group of friends. We were friends, maybe not BFF's but friends just the same. Jackie was an artist. At the age of 14 she painted a mural for a local restaurant. She was amazingly talented, and did I say pretty? Very pretty.

We ended up going to the same high school. We even took art class together. I remember her hands being constantly covered in remnants of paint. Besides the murals she painted, she could paint realistic portraits. I never shared the art I created. I was intimated by her talent and never believed I had any. Looking at all the art she created inspired me even though I did mine secretly. I now know better. What I created was just different than what she did. And that's OK. It was just not OK to me as a teenager. It didn't fit what I believed an artist to be. She was an artist and an avid reader. We had alot in common but somehow our friendship fizzled. It's not like we had a fight or even a disagreement. During our junior and senior years, even though we still talked, we didn't hang together that much. I thought she was interested in me being her friend.

Cut to March of 2009, Jackie finds me on classmates.com. She now lives in California, is married and has two kids. One boy 18 and one girl who is 2 4.We begin to email each other every other day. We are not only learning about each others lives but also digging way deep...in ways that are so much easier when it's not face to face. What is so different now in comparison to then, is that we are both more open and honest about ourselves. Who we are now and even who we were then. We expose all to each other, the good, the bad, and the uglies. Raw honesty.

I've learned alot about her and even about myself back then. With my low self esteem, I always figured that she didn't want to hang anymore. The fact is that she was painfully shy and had the same issues herself. Wow, and I thought she had everything going for her. Goes to show how wrong our perception of others can be.

We now have tons in common and have been showing off our art, sharing recipes, and just enjoying getting to know each other in a whole new light. We both agree, we have rekindled our friendship at the perfect time. We can laugh about turning 50 soon and complain about our bodies.

Jackie is coming in June for her nephew's graduation. We can't wait to get together.

Now I have a laundry list of to-do's before then. Is there a way I could diet away 25 pounds in a month without sweating or giving up chocolate? Get rid of my wrinkles without spending tons of $$$. Is there a miracle cream that works to some degree? My grays can be easily taken care of. No worries there. Now to find a cute outfit that makes me look thin...OK thinner. I basically want to look like I did at 35. But I'll settle for a kick ass 49.

I plan on looking fanfuckingtastic.

Get Use to it Kid

2009-04-27T21:26:00.003-05:00

Damien came by yesterday and before he even got Desi out of the car, he shows me something similar to this....

"Do you see that? It's a gray hair....feel that."

It's got a wiry texture to it and it sticks out there for all to see.

Nut up buddy. It's only the beginning.

So why is seeing a gray hair on my 29 year old son's head more disturbing to me than my own?

Maybe cause mine have the decency to hide under bangs.....oh and also hair dye.

The Prom is for Assholes Extravaganza

2009-04-19T13:22:00.008-05:00

I was reading Vodkamom's post on her daughter's broken heart and being dumped weeks before prom. It reminded me of Anjleika's prom fiasco and it pissed me off all over again. What the hell goes on in the mind of these teenage boys? Seriously, what possesses them to do this to a girl just before prom? After the dress is bought and arrangements made, not to mention the fact that the girl looks forward to her big night. It's suppose to be magical, her chance to get all dressed up and feel like a princess.

When this happened to my baby girl (she is now 22), I was out for blood. I was fuming. But nothing prepares you for the hurt and sadness you see in your daughters face. I, as usual wanted to fix it. I suggested she go stag (nope), I offered to take her out (nope), then I had a brilliant idea. We would throw our own prom party and call it... TA DA...Prom Is For Assholes. ( Yes, I set a great example). She got a kick out of that and started the party planning. Everyone would be dressed in prom attire. At least she would be able to wear her dress. Her oldest brother offered to be the DJ. Word spread that it was the party to be at. Her best buddy, Kirby was her date, who happened to end up being her boyfriend a couple of years later. I set up a backdrop for "prom" pictures and she made a banner.....

Prom is For Assholes.

There were over 40 people all dressed up and ranging in ages 17-50. There was Jamba Juice for those 21 and over and punch for those under. We had a great time and the party ended in the wee hours of the morning. We had a bunch of kids spend the night and the adults gave rides to those that had to go home.

The best part was seeing just how happy my daughter was and telling her friends that this was better than any damn prom she would have gone to.

To those stupid boys....in my daughter's words....hell with you, I'll throw my own damn party.

Prom Queen

and her date

Her BFF

Damien the DJ

Prom Pics:

Prom is over and the princess sleeps.........

Brother-Sister Love; Photobooth Proof

2009-04-18T12:10:00.009-05:00

So.... maybe it's because they share a love for music by Lucero,

Maybe it's because they are adults now and embrace the brother-sister bond,

Or maybe it's because it was 2am and they were both really drunk.

Anjelika's birthday present from Damien and Emilie this year was a Lucero show at Metro, and a night out partying at Smartbar and at Gingerman. Emilie ended up leaving early. With the joys of motherhood come the fact that you can't hang like you use to. At this stage in Desi's life, she is tired earlier and partytime isn't what it use to be either.
Before Lucero went on they ran into Damien's old grade school buddy who happen to be out with his little sister too. Then after the show they headed downstairs to Smartbar where they ended up meeting and talking to Ben the singer/guitar player in the band. Damien spoke with him for awhile and Anjelika is convinced that he is her brother's man crush.

So between Lucero, Gingerman and Smartbar, they bonded. They shared the love.

And at 6am I awoke to my darling daughter eating a sandwich and smiling from ear to ear in a drunken stupor. She had just gotten in and wanted to let me know that Damien was able to get out of the cab without falling onto the sidewalk. She made sure he got home okay.

Awww, how sweet.....they DO look out for each other.

Hello Ritz? Death here

2009-04-17T20:17:00.000-05:00

Friday's always bring me great joy. I bounce into work proclaiming it to be "Fun Friday" no matter what kind of day I know I'll have. It's all in the attitude. This past Friday was going to be better than any I've had in the past 6 months. Why was this day so special? David got called back to work. YEA!! We can now start climbing out of near financial ruin. The best news? My boob test is NORMAL! Hell yea. I was doing the happy dance and riding the happy train.

Then it happened....my"Fun Friday" turned into "Fuck Friday".

It all started with an incident at work, towards the end of the day and then I got a phone call from my aunt. The phone call changed everything. My emotions, attitude, priorities, my view on family and life. It's strange how one phone call can do that. At that moment the situation at work was trivial.

Roberto, my dad's best friend died. He had gone to walk the dog. His wife found him sitting in his chair with his coat still on. She thought he had fallen back asleep. He wasn't breathing and there was no pulse. By the time the paramedics came there was nothing they could do. He was 79. The same age my dad would have been today. I just saw him last Monday when he had stopped by my office to say hello. He would do that when he was in the neighborhood. He would come in say hello and then go to my aunt's house to reminisce and talk politics. He was 79 but looked like he was 60. A good looking 60. The type of man that made younger women's head turn. Charming? Very. I remember bartending some Christmas parties at the hotel he worked at when I was younger. He was the bar manager then and women would line up on his side to order drinks. We made a game out of seeing who had the most tips at the end of the night. Though I raked in some serious cash, he always won. He was 59 then.

My dad and his sisters were friends with Roberto before I was even born. He is in all the pictures of any of our family occasions. My favorite picture is of my dad and him at a picnic when I was 6. Something about that picture says so much about their friendship to me.

My emotions are more than just about his passing. It's about my dad, my two aunt's who are in their 70's also, and my own mortality. I left work and went to my aunt's house. There they were with Roberto's other best buddy, Ray. I walked in to find Ray crying. I've only seen him cry one

other time in my 49 years. That was when my dad died.

I miss you both.

Dad

Roberto

The Twins are Pissed But They Got Lovely Parting Gifts

2009-04-13T21:40:00.014-05:00

About two months ago, while showering I found a lump on my left breast. I ran my fingers across it as I was taught to do. Yes, it is there, it's not my imagination. I also found another smaller one on the same one. Then, I did the other breast. Okay, there's definitely something there, because the right one is lump-free. I'm quietly freaking out in the shower trying to calm myself down by telling myself that I've always felt something. In my 20's every month I was convinced I had breast cancer. I felt all kinds of lumps. My doctor told me I had fibrocystic disease. Basically, I'm lumpy. So at some point in my 30's I stopped going to see my gyne. I know, I know, I'm stupid. I've scoured the internet to make sure that I did the self breast exam properly. Everywhere I looked, I read the same thing.... From the Mayo clinic on women's health:

"The best time to perform a breast self-exam is about a week after the start of your period. That's when your breasts are least likely to be tender or swollen. Your breast tissue undergoes changes each month during your menstrual cycle. Changes in hormone levels associated with menstruation cause your breasts to swell. Once your period starts, the swelling subsides and your breasts return to normal."

So what happens when Mable stops her monthly visit? Or in my case, comes whenever she feels like, stays as long as she feels like and brings more chaos? When is the right time? Does it make a difference when I do it? Does this mean that since I missed yet another period, the timing for self breast examination is up for grabs?

Last month I made an appointment with a new gyne. Why? Because it had been so long since I've gone, that my old gyne died. New gyne is great, she has wrinkles around her eyes and mouth. She is around my age. She understands everything I'm complaining about, not because she learned this from some medical book but because she is going through the same shit. Yea....I can bitch and complain and she'll get it!!!

She asked me when I had my last period. Mabel? Oh that bitch hasn't come to visit since I think December, or was that November? Hmmm, somewhere around there. But then last month I don't think it was really her, it might have been have evil sister Bertha. The one who drops in for a day, is a lightweight and just makes enough of a mess. I'm sure all of you have met her at one time or another. She tells me I have to count her too. I'm told to diligently keep track of my period. Really? I haven't done that since I decided to do my part and stop contributing to the world population by having a tubal ligation. In order to be menopausal, Mabel and Bertha stop coming around completely for a full year. Time to start tracking again. I'm perimenopausal... a prelude to the big M. So everything I'm feeling can get worse?? Greaaaaaaaaat.

Yesterday, I had my mammogram. The technician was sweet and helpful. She showed me how the new machine is now digital. Well that's cool but does it still squish the boob? That's all I cared about. Yes, it still does. I wasn't too pleased that after I was contorted into an uncomfortable position (and humiliated when she had to push my belly fat out of the way) I had to go through a redo, because I didn't relax and muscle obscured the image. Relax??? Are you *&($#@# kidding me?

Well, I got through it. I will get my results next week. Unlike my husband, I'm not too worried. I had my freak out, now I'll deal with whatever comes my way. My advise now is to follow the rules. Have a yearly checkup, mammogram and pap smear. Early detection is crucial.

The highlight for me? They now give you pasties. Well, the technician called them something else and what they were for. Please......whatever, they are pasties in my book. I couldn't wait to get home and flash my husband. Yes, of course I left them on. And of course I had to take a picture. Okay, maybe not of me actually wearing them, (cause besides my husband, who would really wants to see natural 49 year old boobs that breastfed three times?) but close enough.

AH HELL NO!!! She's Moving Back In

2009-04-12T13:13:00.005-05:00

Baby girl has been busy rearranging stuff in the basement. She is clearly impressed with the job she is doing. The announcement to "come see what I've done so far" and " look at how I'm cleaning your basement" are regularly heard around here. But seriously, how impressed can I be when the crap she is clearing up and rearranging, is the crap she left here when she moved out....TWICE!

The child moving out doesn't necessarily mean that all their crap goes with them. Oh no. Why should it? Mom and dad have enough space in the big old house. House, yes....storage facility it is not. Do any other parents with adult children have these problems?? The kids get apartments that don't accommodate all the stuff they have accumulated through their years. But of course they can't get rid of it, so it stays here. I have to admit I did the same to my mom but what did she do? She gave it all to a friend to sell at the flea market. When I found out, I was angry and appalled that she took this upon herself without asking me first. She told me that it was in her house and that I hadn't even realized it was missing in the first place. She was right. Anything really important she shipped it to me in California, at her expense. After all it had been 7 years since I had moved out of her house.

David is thrilled his little buddy is moving back to the nest. Me? Not so much.

Don't get me wrong. I love her and all, it's just that..... how do I put this.

SHE SUCKS THE LIFE OUTTA ME!

Her sarcasm and bitchiness is more than I can handle these days.

And to be honest....there can only be ONE sarcastic bitch around here.

ME!

Death of The Easter Bunny

2009-04-12T09:33:00.009-05:00

That was the news we (meaning me) had to tell our kids this weekend. The oldest(29) took it in stride, the middle one(23) is in Denver and was missing out anyway ( meaning he doesn't care this year), the baby(22)...well, she feels since the oldest is 7 years older than her, she is entitled to 7 more years of visits from the Easter Bunny as well as Santa Claus. She is still hoping those wisdom teeth come in wrong, so they can be pulled and the tooth fairy will visit.

David says the recession killed the Easter Bunny for us.... I think he did it. He's been planning it for years just because the kids grew up. Pfffft!

Damien is with his in laws this weekend out in the burbs. The Easter Bunny will visit Desi there.

But I know that the Easter Bunny left him an egg with a little cha-ching inside and put it in the mailbox. The bunny will live on!

Happy Easter to all.

Spring in Chicago

2009-04-05T22:51:00.002-05:00

There is snow....now......in Spring......in April......in Chicago.

It's still coming down, and the weather channel says we are getting 1-3 inches.

I just put my winter stuff away dammit!

He's On His Way...Home Sweet Home

2009-03-29T12:19:00.003-05:00

It's been a busy few weeks here.
We've been stripping the old paint off and changing up the living room.
Moving furniture around and throwing things out.
Everything has to be done by Wednesday night.
Tony will be coming home for a week or so before the CD release show and touring begins.
He is homesick and wants to recharge.

My laptop went to Dell and it's in the process of being fixed.
Hopefully I will have it home soon and I can post all the other stuff that's been going on around here.

Some of the things I feel the need to blog about....

1. An old grade school friend finding me ...and no ...not from facebook.
2. A trip to the gyne after over 14 yrs... Yeah I know...don't yell at me.
3. Mammograms
4. Peri menopause and Panic attacks
5. Updates on the rest of the clan
6 New things at the office

Till then....

The Disco Queen Died

2009-03-16T19:06:00.005-05:00

Quick note: My laptop died and I am waiting for Dell to fix it. I have my Storm to carry me through as much as possible till I get it back.

Back in the mid to late seventies, disco was the rage. My taste in music was (even now) eclectic to say the least. It always depended on my mood and/or who I was hanging out with. If I was at home or cleaning, it was salsa or old Cuban music (Ala Buena Vista Social Club). Party music meant rock and if I felt like dancing well....there was disco. There were friends to dance with, another to rock out with and never the twain shall meet.

In the eighties, I started going to Metro/SmartBar. It was a great rock club (still is). We would wonder over to SmartBar even when weren't seeing a band play. I had my own live show once when I walked into the bathroom and found a couple doing their own live performance in one of the stalls. Ahhhh, the good times.

Last weekend Damien told me that Metro had grandparents day for Baby Loves Disco. Metro? Really? A rock club is doing this? He asked me if I wanted to take Desi and that Emilie was working. Since my grandson can shake it to salsa and hip hop, as well as head bang to hardcore and metal, I figured he would have a good time.

Walking into the place made me think of old times and my youth. I remember the wasted shows and drunken nights at the bar. Since it was disco themed, I thought of the days of dancing the night away (though not at Metro). Oh yeah.....until the swarm of toddlers filled the club. My, my, my, have times changed.

The music started and I was a bit perplexed. Since when was ELO, Michael McDonald, The Cars or Asia considered disco? It was not music I ever liked either. They did play some Bee Gees, Prince and Michael Jackson, but still...where was Gloria Gaynor, Ohio Players, Chic, or the Queen herself...Donna Summers???

So as the music played and kids danced around, my grandson was more fascinated by the bubble machine.

Even he knew..... This is NOT disco.

When Monday rolled around I was in pain. Unlike days gone by, my pain was not from a hangover or from dancing. The days of drunkenly running up and down those stairs gave way to slowly carrying a 2 yr old. I had back pain and my thighs were burning.

Disco is dead and so is this queen.

The Death Box

2009-02-22T13:49:00.008-06:00

There are conversations we have throughout our lives that make us un-comfortable, make us squirm in our seats just a bit. They are conversations that need to be had for one reason or another. We may not like it, but we understand the importance of it. At times we may delay them but we know that the words have to be said.

As we get older, we start to think about our own mortality. I started thinking about mine, right after having a heart attack at 46. Thoughts of death and dying clung to me for months. On the outside, no one knew that I felt like I had already died. It took quite along time for me stop fearing life and embrace the one I do have.

We watched The Bucket List this week. Aside from the fact that it is funny, it's the type of movie that makes you think, long after the movie is done. Basically the movie is about two men who are about to die that decide to create a list of things they want to accomplish before they kick the bucket, hence, The Bucket List.

When the movie was over, we told each other what would be on our own list. Without giving any of the plot away, I can see David being the Morgan Freeman character. The man that has given completely of himself for his family and needs to do things just for himself before it's his time to go. As we laughed about the things on our list, we began THE CONVERSATION, the one we've put off, the one that makes us uncomfortable. What will we do when the other dies.

We realized we don't really know the others last wishes. I know David has no clue about the what, where, and when. He would be lost when it came to life insurance, our finances, my personal things, OMG my art supplies! And as usual, he came up with an idea that was both smart and humorous. Okay maybe only to us, but it works.

The Death Box.

In it will be our will that we are in the process of doing, the living will in case we get sick and can't make a decision about our healthcare, insurance papers, and all the names and numbers of what needs to be taken care of financially. It will be easy to get to and everything in one place. It serves to reduce the stress when the time comes. It's something we all need to do but sadly many of us don't.

When my mother was told she didn't have much time left, she showed me where all her important papers where. She told my stepfather and I what she wanted for her funeral and then signed the do not resuscitate papers.

I can not imagine making any decisions the day she died. In the end she was still mom, she took care of everything. That week I was in a fog and she allowed me to grieve without having to make any decisions.

We want to give each other and our children that freedom.

Not Ready to Be a Proud Card Carrying Member

2009-02-15T07:41:00.005-06:00

The envelope came this week. To be honest, it came as a bit of a surprise. I really thought the mailman made a mistake.....till I saw my name on it. Wait a minute here, I'm not 50 yet. I haven't wrapped my head around the fact yet.... that I'll be 50 in September. WOW! It's not that I don't KNOW I'll be 50 this year and in some ways I've been preparing for what I want to do for my birthday. But there is a difference between planning a getaway to a spa and a boozy filled weekend with the girls and shoving a "Hey yo, yeah you, you're old" card in my face. Nope, I'm not ready for that.

I stared at the envelope. I didn't open it, just stared at it. Then, as if it was some secret letter I had to hide from everyone, I quickly shoved it in my purse without even opening it. There it sits, hidden between my checkbook and my make up bag.

Getting older isn't a big deal to me or so I thought, until a few months ago when I missed my period. Since puberty I've been like clockwork. Hence, when each time I got pregnant I knew right away that I was. Before this happened, I couldn't wait till menopause came so I wouldn't have to deal with that anymore. It's not like I was going to have any more kids, I got my tubes tied years ago so I saw no point in having my life interrupted every month with cramps, bloating and spending money on tampons.

The day that I realized that I actually missed my period, I cried. Instead of being thrilled as I always imagined I would be, I mourned my loss. My forgetfulness and foggy brain these past few months weren't stress related as I had thought it was. It's the beginning of menopause.

Through tears, I told David I missed my period. I needed him to wrap his arms around me and tell it me it was okay and that it didn't make a difference. Instead, he looked like I had just hit him over the head and he asked me..." Are you pregnant?" Dude, seriously? If that was the case I would be happily planning how we would be spending all the money we would get from the lawsuit for a screwed up tubal ligation. GEEZ!!

There are changes to body that I've accepted. The wrinkles on my face let me know that I have always smiled alot. Those bags under my eyes mean I don't rest enough. The grey in my hair is respectfully (for the time being) coming in closer to my scalp, well hidden from view. I can get highlights, I like my hair lighter anyway. It has been a hard winter and my legs and feet, OMG the feet are super dry. I officially now have my mom's disgusting scaly, cracked feet. I'm sure I could cut my husband's legs in his sleep if I didn't apply lotion on them. But last month I discovered something new. I was taking my undies off and I saw all these white little flakes in my black pretty undies. At first I thought it was baby powder, till I realized I don't use any. Then it hit me. WTF....who gets dry ass cheeks? Is it just me? Is my skin THAT dry that even my ass cheeks, who never are exposed to the elements, start sloughing skin like a snake?

These days I apply body lotion head to toe when I get out of the shower. My butt cheeks are now happy.

I've started a new chapter in my life that I'm not so willing to begin, but as my husband says...it's better than the alternative. So today I'm opening up my AARP letter. I hear I can get discounts.

Cutting the cord....5 years too late

2009-02-14T10:24:00.006-06:00

There was a time when I couldn't wait till all 3 kids turned 18 and move out of the house. I dreamt that when that day came, I would be doing a naked dance around the house with my ball and chain of how ever many years, and I wouldn't have to be so involved in every aspect of their lives. My life would be my own.

HA! The joke is on me.

The happy naked dance never happened.

I'll admit it, I cried when each left, but I knew we had done a good job raising them. I was proud of them and it was time for them to embark on their own journey. Each took their own path, the oldest got married and started his own family, the youngest is on her own and learning to be independent, and my middle son is following his dream.

This past week has taught me a few things about myself as well as having adult children.

My 23 yr old son's fiance went out to visit him in Denver last week and it wasn't the week either of them had envisioned. The life he is leading there is very different than the one he led here. This life doesn't work very well with a long distance relationship. They broke up.

After hearing third party analysis of what happened, I called my son. It broke my heart to hear his voice. It was torn between staying with the band or coming back home to Laura and the life he had here. Our families are intertwined even before they became a couple, so this has affected us all. My son is hurt and confused. I thought of all kinds of ways for this to work out. He could fly home away from everything that is going on there and get a different perspective. I made plans.

I realize that I take charge of situations and try to fix them. Some people may even call it being a control freak, I prefer the nicer version...a control enthusiast. But there comes a time that you have to step back and accept the fact that you did your job and that from now on you have to just be the observer and bite your tongue. This only happened after I spoke to Laura. After I heard her version of what transpired. It's only then, that I went from the mommy part of me, "my poor baby" to the woman in me, "WTF" to the angry mommy side, " I didn't raise him, to act that way".

Going to Denver, I knew was going to be very different for him. We had talked about it. My concerns and fears for him. I was constantly reminded that we had done a good job and he had a good head on his shoulders. But then I had my second conversation with him and I was angry.
Because the stories I heard was not the son I knew, it was not the man I believed him to be...it was not who I raised.

He has only been gone 4 months. Can that change a man so much? That his wants and needs come first at whatever the cost? Has his head become so big from the adulation and having groupies? Dude, it's not the Rolling Stones, you may be big enough in your corner of the world. But....Seriously???

So this Valentine's Day, I have to accept the fact that I can't fix this. That I have to watch the train wreak from the sidelines. I have to believe that we taught him well and at some point he will realize that how he is behaving is not who he is. I may be disappointed in him at this time but I have to believe that this will pass.

Tony is not 3 anymore and I can't make him do or act as I think he should.
I can not mend their broken hearts nor can I make everything all better.

It is hard to completely let go.
It is hard for me to not tell him what I think he should do.
I want to scold him for behaving the way he is.

I want my baby boy back..... but I've had to cut the cord, even though it's 5 years after I should have..

A Rat Raids My Fridge

2009-02-08T08:55:00.002-06:00

Yesterday was our usual Saturday night jam night. Damien had a late show so everyone was here early.

Now let me explain a few things first. After I moved out of my parents home, I would still ask permission to go into their fridge when I was hungry. I've never been the kind that raids someone fridge. EVER. Tony is that way too. He will ask, the other two...not so much. But that's ok..they are mine so it's no big deal.

Last night I came downstairs to get myself a diet coke and saw a piece of bread and a slice of cheese unopened on my counter. Hmmm. As I came downstairs, I had heard someone going back downstairs and I wondered why would anyone be on the first floor. Till I saw the food on the counter. Was someone helping themselves and upon hearing me coming, scamper downstairs? I instantly got pissed. WTF?? Seriously? You are thieving munchies?

I have no problem with everyone coming over here and partying but the first floor is off limits.

Snaking food is definitely not cool.

Of course when I brought this up to David, somehow it got turned around and he went off on a tangent on how he isn't working and how he can't fill the fridge. Blah Blah Blah.

Beer and unemployment doesn't go together well.

As I sit here I realize it's not about being hungry and raiding my fridge but about the sneaky way this person went about it.

What to do.... do I padlock my fridge Saturday nights?

Googling In Search of Tony

2009-02-06T23:12:00.008-06:00

I came across this in my quest to find pictures of Tony with the band. The guy that posted it even said he had tons of pics from the show. Naturally I followed the link only to find that his myspace page is private. Now let me explain the issues I have with this. First off...I want to SEE my baby boy. Secondly....private??? WTF???? You want to make your page private, thats fine, but then you shouldn't be able to be nosey and view others at will. Now I could have added him as a friend, but I figured he would think I was some creepy old hag that was trying to befriend him. So I called Laura (who at this moment is out in Denver visiting Tony) to let her know about the pictures and maybe she could befriend this guy. But oh the sweetie was way ahead of me. She not only did she know about it but she had already befriended said guy AND dowloaded all the pics with Tony. I'm not posting all of them (there are alot) but here are some.

In viewing all these band pictures, I realized a few things....I see my son is doing what he loves and is where he is suppose to be at this time in his life. Missing him like crazy but it warmed my heart when the first picture I opened was this...

Then these....

The Bitch Comes Out

2009-02-05T07:55:00.006-06:00

Each day seems to get harder. The money gets tighter and we get more stressed.
Yesterday I said some things to David that later I regretted. After I had a mini freak out and I vomited out words I shouldn't have said, I realized it's not just about me.
Even though he is the quiet, laid back one in our relationship, I didn't take the time to see how all this affects him. I am such a bitch some times that I even disgust myself. Last night I was so ashamed at myself, I couldn't apologize enough. David? Well as usual he took it stride and told it was okay and not to worry about it.

This is a man who has always worked and made sure we were taken care of. He has dinner for me when I get home or will make it once i get here. I go to work and my mind has the chance to NOT think about our situation for at least 8 hours. But for him that's all he thinks about. He is holding it together in his way and since it's not MY way....I don't see it and obviously don't acknowledge it. I feel terrible. I really need to take his feelings at this time into consideration...I'm not the one at home going nuts, worried about my job and my lack of a paycheck. I am not the one feeling like I am not contributing to our household.
If it was me, you know about it cause I would let everyone know how I felt..I would be crying and feeling sorry for myself. But David is not me and he just is quiet and trying to help in other ways around the house, as he waits for his boss to tell him there is work.
I need to learn how to be quiet sometimes

Time to Pull Up the Big Girl Panties

2009-02-01T08:05:00.004-06:00

This past week isn't any different than the last few months. The only thing that changed was my perception of what is going on here. I opened my eyes and I hit the wall. Reality set in.
David has been out of work since Thanksgiving and what I make every month doesn't cover all the bills. So naturally the deck of cards was slowly crumbling. I had hope though...I saw the light at the end of the tunnel. I was making big plans for my birthday with the girls and then a side trip with David and another couple. This won't last, I convinced myself...we'll be okay. I was cheerful till I took Friday off to get some business taken care of.

The realization of how bad the situation is, came crashing in on me. I knew it was bad...how could I not know? I knew. I just KNEW it was all going to be okay, so I was still hopeful..till Friday.
Friday coupled with David getting in an accident in my car this week, put me over the top. Even though the accident wasn't his fault and we have full coverage...it's just too much.

I made a list. (I love making lists). I started with the mortgage company...I had already called and have been getting documents together to work out our mess. But this time I got some asshole, who basically made me feel like shit. He didn't give any hope, just hey pay or you lose your house. I paid my mortgage, but this guy drew the grim picture. I ended up sobbing when I got off the phone. As I scramble to keep everything afloat..there are some things that are falling by the wayside. And now the light at the end of the tunnel as been extinguished.

David is leaving this week to do a side job out of town. So I will be alone for a week, maybe two.
He wants Anjelika to come and stay here while he is gone. Me? I think I'd rather be alone with my thoughts.

Yesterday, we took care of some more things and we may just barely squeak by.
I feel like we are 20 yrs old again and starting out instead of where we were just this past summer. I'm going backwards instead of forward. Friday I just wanted to run away...leave it all behind. But then what? Where would we go? What would we do? I know there are people out there alot worse off than we are. I can sympathize. I am scared for the first time in over 28 years. I have already let go off the luxuries. We have the basics. So for now we are hanging on.

After I was done paying the bills and saw what was left.. wow..our bank account hasn't been this low in soooo long. I freaked out.

So I laid down and slept..... tomorrow is another day.

He's What???

2009-01-25T20:30:00.008-06:00

Last week was Desi's birthday. I can't believe he is two. We can now hear actual words instead of just grunts and groans. My favs so far??? "What?" ( with hand gestures included..totally his dad), "Pees" (please) and of course hearing him say "Mima".

Last Sunday I made chocolate chip cupcakes so we stopped by and gave him a cupcake and his remote control car. He LOVES cars! When he is here he falls asleep with his hotwheels in his hands.

Today the whole family was here, minus Tony of course. I decided to do a kids themed dinner with mini burgers, pigs in a blanket, pepperbellys, and chips n dip. I made a sad looking cake ( it drooped but tasted good)and decorated it by making it a bilingual cake. Due to the fact I was craving chocolate, I also made fudge brownies.

And as always in this house the evening had to end with some music. This time, the next generation chimed in.

Inauguration: The Cuban Connection

2009-01-20T22:08:00.004-06:00

My skin color is not black, it is white. But I am not looked upon as being white. I am Cuban, therefore, I'm really Hispanic. I was born here in Chicago, in the USA but I'm not an American, so I am a Cuban-American. That's okay with me because I am proud of who I am and that my parents came here to this country in search of a better life.

I will be 50 this year and it means I was alive during the Kennedy administration, MLK's
I Have A Dream speech, race riots of the 60's, first man on the moon, and now another monumental moment in history.

Tonight as my husband slept through the recap of today's historic events, I cried as I watched...again.

I cried because I remembered my dad.

It wasn't till I started school that I began to learn the English language. I remember crying when my dad would drop me off at kindergarten, not only because I was left there, but because I couldn't communicate with anyone. Though I did learn to speak English eventually, I wasn't allowed to speak it at home. Homework? My dad would make me struggle on my own or ask the teacher. As I grew older and it became apparent that I needed help with a subject, my dad sent me to see my Uncle Rick. My uncle was Mexican by other peoples standard at that time, though his family were Texans since after the Alamo and didn't speak Spanish. My poor uncle had to struggle with Spanish when he met my aunt. Anyway, that's who I could speak English to and get help from.

When I hit the smart ass teenage years, I made a nasty comment to my dad how I was never allowed to speak English at home or get any help with homework. My dad sat me down and explained a few things that night that opened up my eyes and had me remember a few things I either had forgotten or blocked out.

He told me of how my uncle Rick would have to make calls for him to look at apartments only for the landlord to turn them away once he saw what my father looked like, how the only job he could get was as a dishwasher at the Conrad Hilton, and how my mom ate chili at the factory for over a year because she couldn't understand the labels. He reminded me how he would have me read the comic strips to him every night not because he couldn't, but because he wanted me to practice my English. My father loved to read and always read the newspaper to better his English.
I use to laugh at my dad when he said the word funny, because it came out sounding like..fooney.
Chicken was sheeken and ...well you get the idea. The reason I wasn't allowed to speak English at home was because he didn't want me to pick up their accent and then be ridiculed as they had been. He reminded me of the boy in my 4th grade class that called me a "spic", and though I had no idea what the word meant, I knew it was mean by his facial expression, so I clobbered him.
Of course I got in trouble and my father was called in for a conference with the teacher. Though my father didn't condone my behavior he also explained to the teacher what the boy called me. My teacher's reply was that my dad needed to teach me how to control my temper.....damn that Latin temper. The boy? nothing, no staying after school, parents called, nothing. By father just shook his head, walked out and told me not to smack anyone again.

Then my father brought up the boy I had just been dating.
The new boy loved coming over but never took me around his neck of the woods. I had never been to the SW side of Chicago and was curious to see Marquette Park cause I heard it was beautiful. When I finally asked why we never went by his house, he said we couldn't. I just assumed it was too far to come way over to the north side only to turn around and go back to the SW side, to then do it all over again. So I started to ask again and again and again till the truth spilled out. "I can't take you to my house because of my dad" Hmmm is he sick? crazy??
" No, it's your name" Huh?? I know my name is hard to pronounce and the way people say it in English isn't the way it's pronounced but...I don't get it.
Clueless....and as the boy looked down at his feet, my dad explained.
"You're not white..."
Yes I am, my skin is just as white as his...it even says it on my birth certificate.
"You're not in his eyes, once he hears your name ..and it doesn't matter that you speak like him or all your other friends."

Well that was then end of that.

When David told his family I was Cuban..they asked if I was black.
When I got pregnant...they worried if he would be dark. Did they NOT meet my family?

So I cried today. I cried for my dad and what he and my family went through.
I cried because I do understand discrimination first hand. I cried because I am proud to be an American and to see a nation united on such a historic day.

I cried.

Baby It's Cold Outside

2009-01-13T21:42:00.004-06:00

What happened to Global Warming???

It is beyond cold outside. Right now it is 6 degrees and steadily dropping.
The weather channel is saying more snow is suppose to come our way. I HATE winters in Chicago. It is only around this time of year that I miss living in Miami.

Last night I stopped in to visit with Damien and his family. While I was there it had started snowing. By the time I left, there was a pretty good dusting on my car...but SOMEHOW, through all that snow... a cop was able to see the little sticker on my license plate was expired and felt the need to get out of his warm patrol car and stick a lovely orange ticket on my car.

GOD I HATE THIS WEATHER!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yesterday: Lost in Translation

2009-01-11T20:33:00.002-06:00

All day I've contemplated doing a bit of a rebuttal and I feel like I need to explain a few things.

Yesterday I blogged about my view of the mother daughter relationship from a mother's perspective. I meant it to be humorous but also make a point. But from the comments and emails I received, the humor part was lost on some.

First I want to say how lucky and blessed I am that all 3 of our kids still like to hang out with us. They pop in frequently and call throughout the week.
We have fun together and truly enjoy each others company. Damien getting married is just another sibling for Tony and Anjelika and for us another daughter.

The fact that I wrote that my daughter just pops on over without calling is only because I would like to spare her the embarrassment that I endured (as did my mom) when I walked in on her and my step dad unannounced. Scarred for life, from then on, I never used my key.

We all go through our trials and tribulations with teenagers, especially when those teenagers are our daughter. Some of those comments I made, did happen and that is how I felt. We laugh about them now. Did I think some of the stuff she said was stupid...yes. Would I actually say that? No. My words were more like.."what are you thinking". As for not being there for her? I always have been and still am. I listen, comfort, and give advise. Only now I try to do it only when I'm asked.

There are times that we as mothers do not want to be bothered. The fact that I said that, caused all kinds of commotion. I know I'm not the only one that feels this way. I worked full time and trying to divide my attention between 3 kids and a husband, was exhausting. How do some women find the balance? I never did. So the only one that didn't get as much attention was me.
Don't get me wrong, a martyr I'm wasn't. I'm still trying to find that balance. Why? Because we never stop being a mother. I couldn't even imagine my life without them. I am richer for having the chaos that is my family. We are a loud bunch with music and laughter filling the air. I wouldn't have it any other way.

But just as our kids bitch and moan about us, there is nothing wrong with saying that sometimes motherhood is a pain in the ass. The mother-daughter thing? Well that just makes it a bigger pain in the ass, cause we butt heads more.

I wasn't the Leave it to Beaver mom or even Mrs. Brady. I didn't have the books or the Internet then . I flew by the seat of my pants. I cheated by buying cookies at the bakery, then decorated a coffee can and passed them off as home made, I rearranged my schedule at work in order not to miss a school recital, and made a craptacular angel costume by hand for Damien's first school play. I would compare myself to the other moms I saw, and think...wow, I so suck at this. But those times that I considered a pain in my ass, also make the best memories.

Damien and Anjelika both read my post, with two very different reactions.
Anjelika laughed and agreed with me. She knows me best I think, but also knows that even now, I'm am there for her no matter what. Damien thought it was scathing. When I reminded him that it's nothing she doesn't know and that it was meant to be humorous, he just shook his head.

Back when he had to wear that craptacular angel costume and I sat there crying, feeling ashamed and sorry for him compared to the other kids. He wiped my tears and asked me why I was crying. I apologized to him for not having a nice costume like his classmates. He held my face in his hands and told me that he was proud of his costume because I had made it and that he was the only one with a glittery cardboard harp.

Today that same little boy is now a man with his own son. Today he told us how much he loves us and then reminded me that he is a musician.

Okay, and???

"Don't blog about me and I won't write a song about things that bug me about you"

I know I bug you.

" yeah well, don't make me write a song for everyone to hear"

So now I'm thinking...What will he name it and if it will be a collaborative effort with Tony and Anjelika.

Insert a haha now.

A Mothers View on Mother-Daughter Relationships

2009-01-10T10:35:00.005-06:00

After 9 glorious hours of sleep, I grab my coffee and head on over to blogher. As I bounce from post to post I come across one about the mother daughter relationship and it's complications. And as I read more, I come across our view as we get older and we become the care givers.

Which makes me think of how my view of my own mother changed with my mom and dad's divorce during my late teens and then when I became the caregiver and her heart started failing.

But that isn't what this post is about.

Where is the view from a mother's perspective on this subject? I can't seem to find it.

Does it go against good parenting to voice how WE feel about this complicated relationship?

Will I be viewed as a bad mom or am I really the only one that feels this way? (Which is actually my biggest fear.)

Out of the 3 kids, she is the one who sucks the life out of me. It's exhausting. But I'm there.

Why? Cause I'm the mom, I love her, and that is what I'm suppose to do. Do I want to? Not really, not always. I find myself comparing our relationship to mine and my mothers. It's different because, I made sure of it. I wanted the open and honest relationship that I didn't have. So I made my bed and I'm laying in it.

Anjelika will be 22 in less than 2 months. She is the youngest of 3 and the only girl. The boys were a piece of cake in comparison. She is very different than me...not that I wanted a mini me. She has traits that I wish I had and I'm proud she is outspoken and opinionated, not worrying on how she is viewed by others. But I am mom and I don't really want all her outspoken and opinionated views. She is open with me to the point of me cringing at times. She is honest to the point where I've learned through her, that little white lies are definitely so much better than the hard core truth. Filter..PLEASE!!!

So as I read about all the complaints daughters have about their mothers. Here I have some of MY complaints through the years about my daughter.

1. If you know I think he's a douche,why do you feel the need to: talk, complain, or bring him into this house.

2. If you know my opinion on a subject and it differs from your view, don't get pissed. Why even bring it up? It's an OPINION. MINE!

3. If you know that the outfit you are wearing makes me think of a hooker in the red light district, don't show me or ask me "How do I look". You know you won't leave the house looking like that.

4. If you know that your bedroom looks like a wrecking ball just hit it, don't tell me you can't find___. You know what I'll say.

5. If you know that I've carved out some me time in my art studio, it's not the time to hear about your problems with your roommate. I can care less right now or any other time for that matter.

6. If you ask me for my advise and don't agree and voice that you knew I'd say that...then don't ask me in the first place.

7. If you start a conversation with me by saying.."this may sound stupid to you" you are right...it is.

8. If you see me reading a book, do not cover the pages with your hand to get my attention. You are 20 not 2 and it's not cute anymore...that just pisses me off.

9. If you know that me and your dad haven't had a vacation sans kids in all our years together and we finally plan one...don't invite yourself along cause you need to get away for awhile.

10. If you know that me and you dad are now alone in the house. Don't you think you should call first before coming over?

I'm just saying.

I seriously believed that once they were adults it would be my time, but boy...it NEVER ends.

Now I will gladly accept the crappy mommy award, thank you very much.

If It's Too Loud, You're Too Old

2009-01-10T00:08:00.003-06:00

Tonight there is a show at Reggie's. There is great music, good friends, and free flowing booze.
And what am I doing?

I'm taking a nice long hot bubble bath in a freshly soap scum free tub (courtesy of David) with
a bottle of wine for company.

Nowadays after a long rough week, I like my Fridays very mellow.

Pray I don't drown while mellowing out.

Whadaya Mean I Can't Tell Anyone???

2009-01-08T21:14:00.003-06:00

I'm on my way home from work and talking to Tony on my cell, when he tells me some BIG..I mean HUGE news.
Then adds....."Please don't tell anyone yet." Huh???
Do you not know who you are talking to?
And just like that, he tells me he has to let me go cause he is on his way to practice.

Quickly I call him back to get the ok to tell his dad. He laughs and gives me the ok and says he is only telling his siblings and Laura till everything is in place.

I so suck at keeping big news in.

I pounce on David as soon as I walked in the door. In typical verbal diahrrea form, out spills this fantastic news. His reaction?? "Oh cool."
THAT'S IT???
God I hate laid back people sometimes.

So now I have all this amazing info and I'm busting to tell the world...and I can't...I PROMISED.
Shit this so sux!

If I give a hint..it's not really blabbing is it???

Music and a certain well known station..

That's all I'm saying..lips are now sealed.

A Special Bond

2009-01-07T22:58:00.003-06:00

Anjelika has her first date tonight since her break up with Kirby.
It's the first time I've seen her THAT excited in a long time. She was stressing about picking up her outfit and still having time to go work out before getting ready.

So tonight I got a text from Emilie telling me that Anjelika had asked her to help her get ready. Emilie applies makeup like a pro and she did a great job as usual. Then she did her hair. She took a picture and sent it to me. Not only did I get details about the makeup used but she texted me this..." It's so cute. It's like I have a little sister." Both Emilie and Anjelika have 2 brothers and they are the only girls.

Instead of getting her BFF to help, she asked Emilie.... her SIL.
Even though they live in the same building and one floor apart, she doesn't want to bother her.
It warms my heart that she reached out to Emilie for help and that Emilie was there to act like the big sister she doesn't have. To not only help get her ready but to share in her excitement. And I see how their relationship has been growing outside of the SIL relationship...as sisters...as friends

Damien did good by marrying her...though I already know this....she always finds another way to tug at my heartstrings.

Oh No..Not Again

2009-01-06T22:02:00.003-06:00

At this very moment, I look like I am 6 months pregnant...

My stomach is killing me and I can't get comfortable.

Tums??? GasX???

While Spacing Out..

2009-01-04T21:50:00.002-06:00

1. Sunday nights are the worst. I'm already thinking of the things I have to do once I get to the office in the morning.

2. Why hasn't Tony called me?? Has he forgotten that I was in labor with him for an hour and that gives me dibs on who he should call first?

3. How does anyone play online poker for this long?? If he was betting REAL money I would seriously have to kill him and collect the life insurance money.

4. Hmmm.. haven't heard from Anjelika either....maybe that's who Tony is talking to instead of me.

5. Might be babysitting baby boy Tuesday night while Damien plays his show and Emilie is going too. Kinda worried..getting up and ready for work with a baby at home, to then drop said baby off before heading to work, sure isn't the same now as it was in my 20's.

6. I really need to get out of these jammies, take a shower and put on a fresh pair. Chewy won't lay on the couch with me...Doesn't that tell ya something?

2009 TBR Challenge Lite

2009-01-03T00:38:00.005-06:00

There are so many books I've bought but haven't read and so many others I want to read, that I figured I should join the challenge.

My list for this year is short so that there is no pressure. 6 books in 12 months. I can do that.

1.Dead Center- Shiya Ribowsky

2. The Glass Castle- Jeannette Walls

3. But Inside I'm Sreaming-Elizabeth Flock

4. Everybody into the Pool- Beth Lisick

5. Tales from the bed- JeniferEstess

6. Pretty in Plaid-Jen Lancaster

a. Time of My Life-Allison Winn Scotch

b.The Department of Lost & Found -Allison Winn Scotch

The first 5 I already have, just haven't had a chance to read them yet. The last one is a must read but won't be out till April.

So there it is

2009 To Do List

2009-01-02T12:14:00.004-06:00

I hate New Years resolutions, only because I never keep them.
So in order not to fail miserably once again, I'm making a to do list.

Top ten things to do in 2009....

10. Set up an Etsy shop

9. Learn digital art

8. Make time for art

7. Blog more frequently (hence the challenge)

6. Learn to use all the bells and whistles on my camera

5. Lose some weight by my 50th birthday

4. Be more physcially active

3. Take some art classes at the Lill St Art Center

2. Stop sweating the small stuff

1. Finish some of the remodeling jobs we got going here, so I don't bring in 2010 the way I did
this year

Exploding into 2009

2009-01-01T21:32:00.005-06:00

WARNING: If bodily functions are offensive or disturbing to you, if reading about this gives you visuals (as they do me) Stop right here...Do NOT read any further.

I woke up yesterday morning at 1:30 am with a cramp and a gurgle.

Gurgles scare me.

I flew not walked downstairs. It's times like these that I curse David for not finishing the upstairs bathroom. Between sitting on the pot and leaning into the sink, what floats through my head??

"Well that's one way of saying good bye to 2008."

I went back to bed and repeated the above 3 more times till I gave up and laid on the couch, which is a mere 15 ft from the bathroom.

This continued till 4 am, when I finally got some sleep before getting up for work. I'm such a trooper..I went to work. Only lasted there 3 hours and I went home. It's a miracle there were no accidents en route.

So, as everyone else was bringing in the year with imported beers and foo foo drinks,

I was in bed with my ginger ale and the stomach flu.

Yea!!! Happy New Year

Preparing for the New Year

2008-12-30T07:15:00.003-06:00

Since as far back as I can remember, between the day after Christmas and New Years day, my mom, grandmother, and my aunts would be busy in a cleaning frenzy. My mom passed away over 10 years ago, as did my grandmother but my aunts still follow the tradition.

The thinking behind all this crazed cleaning is that you prepare yourself for the new year fresh start. No mess ...No clutter.

So today I have to clean my office and throw out the files and crap I've accumulated that I don't need. The scraps of paper with numbers on them that I don't remember who they belong to. Wipe down my desk and rearrange everything in order to have good mojo for the coming year.
Then do the same here at home.

Now if only someone can explain why I have to throw out a bucket of water at midnight on New Years Eve?

Random Thoughts....

2008-12-29T20:15:00.004-06:00

1. How did I not get callouses on my ass from being glued to the couch for 4 days??

2. How missing a period can still make me say"Oh Fuck!" Though now the worry isn't "am I pregnant?", it's more about questioning, "Does this mean I need to start stocking up on K Y?"

3. Where are my new towels? Was the dyer monster hungier then usual and go for my towels and not the socks?

4. I wish someone else could take down the christmas tree and put the ornaments away.

5. I should have taken January 2 off and spent another 4 days on the couch.

6. Is that a hair growing on my chin???

7. Why does everyone think this a free laundry facility and just assume that I provide the detergent?

8. I should really make some New Years resolutions this year even though that will go by the wayside by February.

9. Who depantsed James , the basement mannequin?

10. I would really have some fun around here if I was the one laid off.

And the one that keeps creeping through my brain, happens when I pass a mirror...

"who the hell is that staring at me? That's not what I look like."

Christmas Day

2008-12-26T12:57:00.006-06:00

Ever since I was born, we celebrated Christmas Eve and it started around 9pm. On that evening we had extended family and friends over for a traditional Cuban Christmas meal that consisted of roasted pork, black beans and rice, yucca, and tomato with avacado salad. Dessert was flan, guayava with cream cheese and turron. After dinner my mom and my aunts would wash dishes, then serve dessert. Once we were done, it was on to opening gifts. There were so many people at our house and so many presents that you could hardly walk into the living room. The gifts took up half the room. At least that's how I remember it. I got the pictures to prove it! HA. My mom would call out peoples names and you stacked your presents till there was nothing under the tree. Then she would go around the room, one present at a time, so everyone could see what the others had gotten. My cousin and I would see who had the highest stack between us.

It would be pretty late and since I'm an only child, as is my cousin...we were sent to bed to await Santa's arrival. We would force ourselves to sleep, not because we weren't tired, but we were just too excited. Sometime in the middle of the night or should I say some ungodly time after 1 or 2 am... we would be woken up to my mom squealing ( my mom was into Christmas as much as we were) that Santa had just left the building. Santa had one up on Elvis in our house.
We then would jump out of bed to see even more gifts. Mind you, it was just the 2 of us, but by the amount of toys, you would think there were more like 6 kids in that house. My cousin had one side and I had the other. Plus you could tell who's was who's because he was a boy and he got the cool stuff I always wanted but I was a girl. Its was the 60's.

It was sensory overload. You see... when we walked into our living room it looked like we walked into a toy store. Our toy store. You mix in the gifts that we had just opened few hours ago to the Santa stuff..well..hence the sensory overload.
Everyone would go home by the time the birds were chirping (if it were summer or not a winter in Chicago) and my dad, mom, grandmother and I would finally go to bed. I was always up really early ( I had napped, remember?) playing with toys and the day was to relax. If my mom didn't take me to midnight mass on Christmas Ever we would go in the morning after breakfast. She would hardly sleep either.

The year I learned there was no Santa ( my dad confirmed what all the other kids at school told me and ridiculed me for..I was 11) was not only the end of Christmas as I knew it but it ruined it for my mom as well. As I said, I'm an only child, my innocence gone and with it went my mom's enthusiasm for Christmas. That was till Damien came along.

David's holiday traditions were totally different than mine. So we compromised. He is the youngest of 5, so the whole Santa thing went out the window for him early in life. He just couldn't believe that I held on to my belief in Santa for that long. Nor could he believe there were so many presents for just one child. Though he did see the pictures. I know the word spoiled was used a lot. I say jealousy.

The compromise??? In the early days we had to hit up my MIL's house, then my aunts( my mom an dad had divorced and my grandmother went to live with her daughters), then my mom's house. That's 3 full dinners and gift opening..Then to our house put Damien to bed to then set up Santa stuff. Santa came in the morning and the gifts were unwrapped, because Santa didn't wrap his presents. But there would still be the sensory overload, because the presents that he had already seen were there with the new stuff Santa brought. David thought it was bad to wake up kids in the middle of the night.
As Damien got older and Tony and Anjelika came along, (we also moved first to Florida then California) Christmas Eve was at my house and my mom would sleep over so she could still be a part of Santa. God she loved Christmas! I would combine the food David grew up with and also mine and I would spend all day cooking a huge feast. Till the year I decided to only cook Cuban food since that's what everyone ate. Christmas day was recoup day, pajama day, eat leftovers and watch the kids play.

Today....my aunts don't celebrate Christmas since my grandmother and dad died. My MIL moved out of state, David's siblings are scattered, and my mom passed away. It is just the immediate family. There still is Santa for Tony and Anjelika. The way they see it Damien had Santa till he got married soooo since he is just about 6 years older than Tony...they have a few more Santa years to go. This year they didn't expect it.
But Santa did come..meager but he came. Anjelika got underwear and socks, 2 t-shirts, necklace and a painting I did for her. Tony got 2 shirts and a toiletry travel bag so he can carry that stuff while he is on tour. I had it full with stuff, and a small painting I made for him too.

Damien and Emilie have followed suit with the sensory overload.....This year we gave them their space and didn't stop by on Christmas morning. After all they did the same thing we did many years ago and travelled to 3 homes then leave late to then set up Santa.

And though we weren't there, Emilie was thoughtful and sent me this....
It let us have a glimpse into Desi's Santa morning

Following the family tradition. He is an artist and a musician.

Best Gift Ever...

2008-12-25T07:51:00.001-06:00

I won best gift of the night.

As I tore open the wrapping I got a glimpse of what it was and I instantly started tearing up.

Damien and Emilie had framed a drawing Desi had made for me

I now have a Desmond original...

Back to Basics

2008-12-25T06:47:00.007-06:00

I've always been all about Christmas. This year is different. The recession has taken a huge toll on us this year. David hasn't worked since Thanksgiving. It's been rough on us. I'm just grateful that the kids are grown and have all moved out. It could be worse... I'm grateful I have a home, food on the table, car to get to work, and that I still am able to work. We are all healthy and together for Christmas, that's all that really matters. Tony is here even though he leaves tomorrow.

So this year I decided we would do Dollar Store Christmas and make it easier on all of us and still be able to exchange presents. The kids thought it would be fun too. They are all pretty broke and agreed that Christmas should be about family being together. Anyway they are grown, and Desi is the only one we really had to buy for.

Any other year, I start getting excited once the month of December rolls around. I make myself nuts with shopping for just the right gifts and getting the perfect Christmas tree. But not this year. I was bummed. I wasn't feeling it. My Christmas cheer had disappeared. Christmas Eve I worked a half day, I still hadn't bought much and I still didn't have any decorations up...NO CHRISTMAS TREE!!! At least we had Desi taken care of. I went and bought little things at the dollar store. I had a $15 gift certificate for Target, so I figured I'd just go look. I ended up crying inside Target. Crying because my Christmas was going to suck. So I bought Tony and Anjelika little things so that they would wake up Christmas morning to something under the tree...hmmm what tree? I had nothing. I went home feeling a little better. David had found a small 3 inch Christmas tree that I had from long ago as a table decoration and had decorated it and set it up on the corner of the living room. he sure knows how to make me happy. We started cleaning up and I started dinner. I finally went into Christmas eve mode and wrapped all the presents and put them under the little tree.

Not bad even though you can see the house under construction.

Anjelika had come over to borrow the car so she could pick up some last minute gifts and pick up her things from her week of house sitting for her boss. She laughed at the sight of our little Christmas corner. When she got back, she had brought back with her a real Christmas tree. David had sent her to buy one. Have I mentioned how much I love this man. It's going on 30 years we've been together and he still never ceases to amaze me. Anjelika brought out all the home made and the ornaments we've collected through the years. She decorated and arranged all the gifts I had wrapped.
At 7:30 we sat down to eat our traditional Cuban meal. We ate till we were all in a food coma. Then on to the exchanging of the presents. This year Desi got into at least tearing open his presents.. Notice how quickly he got comfy and got down to basics too. Down to his diaper!

I learned a valuable lesson this year. It's not about what new tech gadget I could buy, what new guitar stuff to get, having Santa for 2 grown children, it's about family. We were all together and we laughed and had fun. The kids got into the whole dollar store gift giving. It was hilarious. David got a target gun so that when someone steps on a mike or guitar cords during jam night he doesn't have to shout across the room..he can just aim and shoot to get their attention.

Somehow we were able to get these on Desi long enough for Laura to take a picture. Gotta love the look on his face..."WTF Mima!!"

Damien and Desi in their new matching Hester Bears shirts.

Desi holding court...

It was all about cars this year for Desi....much to Damien and David's delight.

Now we wait for Santa to come to our respective home.

Merry Christmas

2008-12-24T22:33:00.001-06:00

Arm Fat...Jiggle Jiggle

2008-12-12T07:28:00.003-06:00

OMG..I was taking a patient's blood pressure yesterday as he was on the treadmill and out of the corner of my eye I saw something move. So I turned my eyes to get a peak.

It was my arm jiggling to the beat of the man's footsteps on the treadmill!!!

I quickly took the blood pressure and hid my arm in shame.

Did he see? Did the other tech notice??

Yep...flappin' in the wind.

When I was 20, I remember looking at David's grandmother arm fat flappin' in the wind and being mezmorized. Wow ..had never seen that. I swore then, that I would never have that.

Here I am... hiding my arm fat in long sleeves from now on.

Where are those damn dumbells???

Oh The Weather Outside is Frightening...lalalala

2008-11-30T21:22:00.005-06:00

First Snow with a mix or rain.....

This view from my front porch this morning kinda goes along with how I've been feeling. BLAH!!!
I've had a migraine that reared its uglies and woke me up from a sound sleep at 4:30 Thanksgiving morning. Today is the first day without one.

I went to Mary and Bob's for Thanksgiving dinner. I didn't last long..I just couldn't hang, the pain was unbearable. At one point the pain was so bad I just wanted David to punch me and knock me out. He passed on my suggestion.
Where are all the good drugs???? All I had was Motrin, 4 at a time..that only took the edge off for like a 1/2 hr. Everyone has Vicodin it seems..but since I've never taken them..wasn't too keen on trying it. Where is the good ole Codeine?? or Rx Motrin 800mg would have worked too.

I should have taken the Vicodin.

Yesterday Damien, Emilie, Anjelika and my baby boy came for dinner. I barely made it through. While cooking I had to lay down for a few... just to let the Motrin take affect.

I vegged all day today...no energy.
Grateful that the migraine moved on.

Techno Geek

2008-11-23T19:23:00.002-06:00

I finally got it....The Blackberry Storm

I was waiting to upgrade just cause it was coming out and I wanted a Blackberry.

I've been glued to it since it arrived on my doorstep yesterday morning.

And what have I learned???

I'm a MORON!

It's taking me 2 DAMN DAYS to get everything the way I want it AND.....

I keep screwing up.

UGH!!!!

But still...I'm doing the happy dance.

See Ya............

2008-11-20T09:06:00.002-06:00

He is gone... but as he constantly reminded me...

"I'll be back at Christmas..even if it's only for a few days"

(sheds a tear)...ok in reality I sobbed BIGTIME

Becoming an Author Groupie

2008-11-16T21:22:00.010-06:00

Is there such a thing???

Victim...I mean author: Jen Lancaster

Browsing through Borders about 2 weeks ago, I saw a cover that caught my eye. I opened it up to the middle of the book and read. Then right there in the middle of a crowded Borders, I laughed so hard and loud that those around me turned and stared as if I was in the library and had just farted. I swear I think I peed a little.

After composing myself, I quickly went to check out with my book in one hand and a nice hot cup of cafe mocha in the other. Ahhhh bliss.

I finished the book in record time and quickly went back to Borders to buy her first and second books.

I don't think I've laughed so hard or been left with wanting to read more, in quite a long time.

And like a drug addict looking for their next fix, (Her next book comes out in the Spring of 2009) I read her blog from the beginning to now..I've told everyone I know they have to buy this book.

She is witty, rude, and HILARIOUS!!

Hmmmm she lives here in Chicago. I want to be her new best friend.

Tony's Farewell Benefit

2008-11-16T19:50:00.012-06:00

Better known as keep Tony from being another starving musician in Denver.

It turned out to be a big..I mean HUGE party. Thank God it was held at a bar. I couldn't fit that many people in my basement.
There were posters up of Tony through the years. He even said it felt like a memorial.

That's hubby by some of the posters

The boy stayed sober.(Even though from 9pm to 2 am we went through 4 kegs and I have no idea about the mixed drinks.)He was overwhelmed at how many people came and seeing how many people were contributing to the Keep Tony Fed Fund.

In his words..."I am humbled"

Coalition of the Thrilling played first. Tony and Damien together...and as Damien so eloquently put it..The band that broke up their musical collaboration.

Next up..Tony and Laura...Little Sister and the Bullies

Bob was the MC and kept the crowd going and asking people to join in on the 3 raffles that night.

Then Road Crew came on. Tony and Damien's most successful endeavor.

By the crowds reaction..you would have thought you were at an arena watching some famous rock band
There are over 500 pictures taken..Obviously not posting them all.. But here are a few favs.

Tony leaves Wednesday.....with enough money that he's saved and from the wonderful people that came out and gave their support as well as their hard earned cash.

To all of you..thank you from the bottom of my heart

Heart Attack with a Side of Stroke Please?

2008-11-16T09:25:00.005-06:00

Alot has been going on this past month, so I figure I'll break it up into it's own proper sections.

So here goes...

I was having chest pains..the kind that actually hangs in there for a few minutes. Scared the shit out of me, so after Cookie said I looked like shit and asked me if I was feeling ok, I knew it was time to see my cardiologist. Have I mentioned that I work for him too? So I don't get to take a full or even a half day off. That sucks. They just squeeze me in somewhere and come and get me when I am free for a few. The upside is, I don't have a long wait. Ever notice how long you're at a doctor's appointment only to actually see him/her for a nanosecond? Anyway that's another rant all together. Another upside..no one asked me to get undressed. Whew... bad enough when you don't know your doc but geez..when you work for them??? UGH!!

Anyway..I was all relaxed when he came in and said it was about time I saw him. I'm a lousy patient. he takes my blood pressure and it was high,... I mean HIGH.
WOW and I was relaxed! Crap I wonder what it is when I'm going nuts at work or at home?

Heart attack or stroke?? So now I'm on Blood pressure med, med for high cholesterol. (I love cheese and fat and greasy foods) oh yeah.. and an aspirin to keep blood thinned to prevent another one of those pesky myocardial infarctions..better known as heart attacks.

So I am being a good girl..taking the meds, getting over a bad cold (that was the chest pain) and gotta start figuring out a way to not be type A.

Suggestions welcomed

Blogging and Twitter and Ning..Oh My!

2008-10-19T12:33:00.009-05:00

Why do I never have time to do the things I really want to do?
Cause there is this thing called the internet. A blessing and a curse at the same time.
But every once in awhile you come across something you find from bouncing around this world wide web that knocks your socks off.
This past week...my socks were knocked off. Way off.

My daughter has been complaining ( for quite awhile now) about how nasty or ill mannered people are. She says that people aren't as giving as they should be. She is a huge giver..sometimes to the point where she screws herself over. But still she gives. She is the kind that still opens doors for others, says please and thank you and gets pissed when people don't do the same. Trust me...I've been with her when she hasn't gotten a thank you for holding a door open for someone. her response was...(with a smile) " you're welcome"
Her great idea is that if parents are not enforcing this ..then schools should have a coarse in manners. Ah my child..the dreamer...the one that wants a perfect world. Well maybe not perfect..but damn close.

Anyway... in the course of my browsing from blog to blog..twitter, then nings groups.
I came across a group who's soul purpose is to give. And to do it as a challenge.
Giving as a challenge...wow. I thought at fist.a challenge?? It should come automatically. Then I thought about Anjelika..and she is right. This society seems to be me me me me me me me.

It is hard to explain the feeling that came over me as I read. It was overwhelming. I KNEW I HAD to do this. As I read other members post..it's just so inspiring. And more than anything a newfound belief that there is plenty of goodness all around us.

So if there is anything you want to challenge yourself to do. I urge you to check out

Visit 29-Day Giving Challenge

If anything.... what goes around,comes around.

This will be an interesting journey

Tears...

2008-10-12T01:17:00.002-05:00

I know its coming....I am excited for him.

But it hit me hard tonight.
I said I would buy the plane ticket for him.

Tonight he said ..."It's time to make the reservation mom. Anytime after the 15th, I think Wednesdays are cheaper"

He kissed me and went down to the basement to hang out with dad and the rest who were gathered here to go to Damien's show tonight.

Then the tears came...a flood of emotions...

He is really leaving.

Family and Friends

2008-10-05T17:42:00.010-05:00

Last night was Tony's last show with Laura. Even though it was far from home, they had alot of friends and family there to support them and see Tony play for the last time. Correction..last time with Laura and this band. It was a 60's extravaganza. The Mustangs were the headliners and they have a good size following. People were dreesed up as hippies and there was tons of peace, love, and togetherness all around.

We had a blast. Even my two 70 something dear aunts came . Which really surprised Tony and Laura considering they didn't go on till 9 pm. Not sure what impressed them more... they raved all night about Tony's playing, the fact that he wrote what they played, and Laura's voice. I think they were the biggest fans last night

Tony playing the last few songs with the new guitar player...Phil

Playing with the Mustangs later in the night..

And the last chord as a Little Sister and the Bullies...

It amuses me

2008-09-26T13:10:00.002-05:00

I had forgotten to post this and still had it in draft mode...oops!

These are a few of the things I've come across these last few weeks that put a smile on my face or gave me a good chuckle...

1. Is it just me or do you see the face too??

2. Damien's new flyer for his upcoming show3. The last flowers to hang in there..fighting the new season.

4. Looking for an extra "something" for a recipe swap that I'm hosting, I came across this..Which I found hilarious!. Gotta love google.

5. And always brightens up my day...

He is Leaving...It's His Time

2008-09-20T11:16:00.004-05:00

Tony was born always in a hurry for...everything.
He is the one with the biggest zest for life out of all of us.
He is my original whirlwind. Constant motion, talking fast to make sure he would get everything in before he could be interrupted, in your face, and the center of attention.

When David taught him to play guitar.. that was IT. He was playing it ALL the time.
After awhile it got on my nerves. He would be talking to you while playing..even slept with it a few times.
As he grew, I would tell him to stop playing for a minute so I could___________(whatever).
He would put the guitar down and say to me.." Mom when VH1 does a Behind the Music on me, I'm going to say how my mom would always tell me to stop playing my guitar" or " I guess you don't want me to buy you a mansion when I grow up"

Dreams.....

The past few months I have watched my son become anxious and uncertain. He was quiet and distant. He had planned on moving to Denver but he was still uncertain. He was having problems with Laura, Worried about money..worried bout Laura..worried about leaving his job....worried about Laura.
I wanted to fix it.
But I couldn't.
It was all on him.

He made his decision.... He is leaving...November
Laura is still behing him.
His boss is 100% behind him and even thinking of ways for him to work for them in Denver.
Laura and her mom are throwing a benefit for Tony so he doesn't worry about money.
Anjelika moved in on Sept 1 to help with rent.
Mom and Dad are always there.

Because deep inside, he knows he will never be happy or make anyone else happy unless he persues his passion.

Life is Short

2008-09-18T22:56:00.003-05:00

In a blink of an eye we are gone.

At work today someone died on me.
One minute we were talking... next minute he was down.

I work in healthcare and although this may happen to alot of others in this field, its has never gotten to this point for me. Close..... but no.
Thankfully we revived him and he is stable.

David said I should be proud of what we did. I am.
But I also can't shake the thought of how fast one's life can end.

I thought of God today.

I am grateful for what I have.
I need to enjoy my life and not just live it.
I need to stop ignoring my own needs.
I need to let my friends know how much they mean to me.
I want to make sure my family knows how much I love and support them not only by my words, but by my actions.

Because, it can all be gone...in just a blink of an eye.

New Journal Brings New Opportunites

2008-09-05T09:36:00.005-05:00

I found this book and thought it might help me with all the ideas I have swirling in my head for my new journal. You can read the reviews at Amazon I find funny is that this is SO not my type of book, yet it called me as I was browsing at Borders. It a whole Mind, Body, Soul book..it should help me get better insight into what makes me..me.

We all have that little voice in our heads that steer us in a direction. Call it womens intuition, sixth sense, God..whatever...I've finally learned to give into it and make no apologies for it. When I saw the book, something told me to grab it and without really looking inside, I bought it.
I'm glad I did. I'm taking my time with this.

As I start this new journey of self discovery and wondering where I am going, I'm once again shown a new path. One I wasn't looking for and not even considering.

Damien called me and asked me if I had any art I was interested in selling. Nope don't have anything but hmmmm selling?? I started asking a gazillion questions...Of course my dear son was too vague for mama's liking. his quick answer..talk to Sean.
Sean came over Wednesday and told me that there is this new shop that opened in July in Lakeview/Lincoln Park area. His friend is looking for local artists that are interested in selling their artwork. Sean thought of me. Its Eclectic...its vintage with a mix of funky and artist wares.

Now I have to figure what to do....

The Start of My Countdown to the Big 5-0

2008-09-02T08:42:00.001-05:00

Labor Day

2008-09-01T08:55:00.003-05:00

Found the perfect journal for my Countdown to 50 journal

Appropriately titled: 50 things to Know about Me that:
A) you never knew
B) never thought of asking
C) Never gave a rat's ass.

My birthday was wonderful and I couldn't ask for a better day. Well actually we celebrated my birthday today since I was the only one with the day off Tuesday....David made sure anything I needed I got since my present was our trip to Michigan. Tony and Laura gave me a set of White Jasmine lotions and bath gels that have the best CLEAN smell. Not flowerery, which I hate but this aroma of ...I don't know..clean comes to mind. I'm in love with it. He also got me these gret stickers for my journals and a gorgeous Blue pen..perfect for my new journal. he knows I'm so ridiculously picky about the pens I use. Damien and Emilie brought and cooked all the food for the BBQ. Desi was his cute self and Anjelika and Kirby ordered my "surprise" that didn't get here on time. But who cares my whole family celebrated and I was happy and very very full.

Plans Never Pan Out

2008-08-23T06:55:00.003-05:00

I had visions for this Saturday......

I planned to upload my faces to flicker for my Suziblu class. (which is wonderful by the way)
Clean up studio from my last art marathon.
Start my healing journal
Finish my pages for a skinny book swap due next week.
Do household chores that have been put off for this weekend.
Finishing touch on my project.
Then put all my new artwork on my blog.

Maybe tomorrow.....I have baby boy today.
Change o plans....

Hmmm...think I'll bring out his crayons and gigantic size pad of paper. Maybe we can have an art day.
Yeah right...maybe 15 minutes.
He's my little whirlwind...constant motion till he drops.

Oh well...there is always Sunday.

Chewy is HOME!!!!

2008-08-17T09:37:00.005-05:00

Thanks to everyone that commented or sent me email with their thoughts and prayers. Its very comforting to know I have so much support. Love you guys!!

I got the call at a gas station by Indiana Dunes... around 10:30 Thursday night
Someone had found CHEWY!!!! YEAH!!
I quickly called and Sharon told me her son had found Chewy...though it was more like Chewy found him. Chewy is waaay friendly. He had been jogging in the park which is huge and Chewy started jogging along with him. So he had to take her home. They were planning on keeping her till they saw one of the fliers I had put all over the neighborhood. She said after she saw it she couldn't keep her no matter how badly they wanted to. She had already bought Chewy all kinds of stuff, which I said I would gladly reimburse her for.
I told her I was out of town but I would call my daughter and her boyfriend to pick her up. ( Only reason I was ok with going to Michigan is cause Anjelika was going to be home and I had left my cell Number on the fliers, nothing to do but wait, since everyone was searching for her everyday}
I was jumping up and down and hugging David. I was ELATED....quickly called Anjelika..no answer..Called Kirby..he picked up and I gave him Sharon's info and asked him to pay whatever they spent and I'd give him the money when I got home. He was just as happy and said he was going right away.
They called me when they got home. Chewy was a bit weird when they got there..maybe just confused about her new surroundings but went nuts when she got home. Jumping and playing when they got her home.
I called numerous times Friday and Saturday...And when we got home Saturday late afternoon.
Gave Chewy tons o love!!
Kirby made the fence hard to get out of and hard to get in for that matter.... but we don't want to go through this ever again!!!
My empty nest dog.... love her to bits

Michigan on a Harley

2008-08-17T08:43:00.008-05:00

Yep that's me and the Harley

and now I am sunburnt

We have been looking to sell our property in Tn and find something a bit more closer to home.
I don't see the point of having it since we never get a chance to get there. It's 10 hours away at least and a weekend jaunt it surely isn't.
So in the past month or so we have been discussing Michigan. I want something 2 hours away at most. Not only is it perfect for a weekend home, but if we retire early (like we hope to do) it's close enough to the kids.
On Thursday, David calls me at work with the great idea of taking off Friday and heading out on the bike to cheer me up. It would be our first long ride and we can see how well I do, take my mind off Chewy missing, and we can go up the shoreline and see what Michigan has to offer.
One I got home from work, I packed up...not much considering we are on a bike..(wanted to take some art supplies but there was no room)check out the helmut laws in Indiana and Michigan...and off we go.
Well I'm here to tell ya..I'm on my way to BUNS O STEEL...not from exercise mind you, but from being on a Harley at 60mph on an expressway..tollroad. I seriously don't think I could have squeezed my buttcheeks any tighter. By the time we were in Indiana but butt hurt and so did my fingers from digging into David's side every time a truck went by and I thought we'ld be blown off theh road. Needless to say he was not a happy camper. We got off just before the Indiana Dunes and he was livid. His neck hurt from wearing a helmet (no helmut law in IL) and the added stress of worrying about me freaking out. It was mostly the neck pain. After his 2 surgeries, its never been great and the fact that we left after a full day of pipe bending didn't help.
But David being David, he quickly calmed down and wanted me to enjoy riding as much as he does. Well ain't gonna happen on an expressway thats for sure.
We got on rt 12 and even though its 55 mph, somehow it's different for me. I relaxed and actually was ok...
On one of our many stops I had gotten a call..one that made my trip a much happier one...but thats a post all on its own.
So what should have taken 1 1/2 hours took 4 hours with all the stopping and my freak out.
We got a hotel and settled in..I was EXHAUSTED.
We checked out Niles, Michigan and surrounding towns and New Buffalo. I want close to the lake ..David wants land with no one close by. Hmmm compromise. But we both agree we love it around there. One thing he brough to my attention was how nice an quiet the towns were. And how loud our family is. A family gathering is full of music and lets face it..the boys have a wife and fiance that are loud...in a good way...very lively. You'ld think they were from my side of the family. So maybe on the outskirts of town is better...some acreage where we don't bother anyone.
So he will be going to Tn in the next month to begin selling that property so we can buy in Michigan.

Lost

2008-08-13T14:37:00.005-05:00

Chewy got out of the yard an I've spent my whole day looking for her through the neighborhood. Don't think I've exercised this much in years. I'm sweaty, exhausted and sad.

I made flyers and put them up all over. Spelled Shih-Tzu wrong on the flyer and had to use my sharpie and fix all 50 of them. I was in such a hurry didn't even pay attention till I got home from Staples. ya think she would have mentioned that its not spelled Shitzu.. kinda forgot the H

She is such a friendly dog that I'm sure someone has her.
Hopefully someone calls me and tells me that they have her.

I'm miserable...

She looks so pathetic here. But its right after we got all her hair cut off. It was too hot out.

A Proud Moment

2008-08-11T07:28:00.015-05:00

Busy weekend...48 hours just isn't enough time to cram in everything you HAVE to do and everything you WANT to do on your days off of work. And cram I did. I cleaned up the house, ran around shopping for groceries and misc. stuff, Anjelika's car broke down and had to wait for a ride, worked on 3 projects simultaneously, visited with some friends, babysat, went to park, made dinner, cleaned up again and went to a neighborhood block party. WHEW!

the tricycle race

Damien teaching Desi how to play drums

Thrilled he is allowed to play REAL drums

Little Sister and the Bullies
(Tony and Laura are next to each other)

The proud moment??? Well that didn't come from me or David.

After Tony and Laura finished their set, Mr. Ling, the organizer, took the mike to thank them for playing. He announced how Tony was only about 11-12 yrs. old when he had seen Tony play ( he is a music teacher at the Catholic school by us) and asked him to play at his wedding over 10 yrs ago. He said he was amazing back then and how he still kills on a guitar. He then gave Tony a big bear hug. Now that's a picture I wish someone had taken.

The wonderful Mr Ling playing a mean violin

My "ME" Day

2008-08-09T08:11:00.005-05:00

Took Thursday off because.....my laptop is here again and because I needed a ME day.

So I began planning my ME day.. hmmm what did I want to do???

1. Read all my emails that I couldn't read due to hubby's too slow computer.

2. Check all the art I've missed during this downtime

3. Check out blogs

4. Pick up some paint I need for suziblu class I'm taking.

5. Work on some projects in progress.

6.Picinic in the park with my baby boy Desi.

7. Answer emails

8. Update my blog.

9. Clean up house and start laundry

10. Surprise hubby with dinner and a very cold beer when he walks in the door.

11. Go with David to a friends house to watch Bears pre-season game

Most to be done by 4 pm. Ambitious??? yes, for the time frame

What I actually ended up doing.....

1. read some emails.

2. Called BFF and let her know I was home so she could come over and hang out..in afternoon.

3. Bought paints and ran into a GF I haven't seen in bout 10 years...made plans for later in the day.

4. Sat in MAJOR traffic..OMG , don't people work on Thursdays???? or are they having their own me day?

5. Had 1/2 hr. with baby boy at the park..no picnic..mommy n him were meeting up with her dad for lunch. Dropped him back off just as it was time for them to leave.

6. Gathered all supplies needed for class and set aside.

7. Found a drawing I did last year for a class on faces. The instructor helped me with shading some of the hair. I was proud of my first attempt nonetheless.

6. Layered some more paint on one of my ongoing projects.

7. read some more emails..answered a few.

8. GF that has been MIA for 10 years came over.

9. Met Hubby at door with cold beer..um, no dinner

10 BFF came over with her new grandbaby and parents in tow.

11. Missed Bears game (David went) to make dinner for my company

12. Updated blog a little.

My days never work out like I plan...................

3 Weeks of Upheaval

2008-08-08T06:14:00.006-05:00

The last 2-3 weeks have been rough... My laptop died, had out of town guest, family drama, and I've been on overdrive at work. Finally got my laptop back! Whew.... Now its got a new motherboard and LCD screen..Our house is our own once again, Everyone is back from vacation at work and the family drama..well...does that really ever go away??? I have to realize the kids are grown and it's their life and not my own. The decisions they make affect them and not me. They need to follow their own path...wherever that may lead.
My son Tony was set to get married May 9, 2009 to a family friend's daughter, who we absolutely adore. Tony is an amazing guitar player and Laura has a killer voice and they have a band that plays out frequently. He has been pursued by several well known bands to join them and for different reasons he has always said no. Last year he was going to move out of state to join one of these bands but changed his mind and proposed to Laura instead.
The ball rolled....Laura got a dress....the hall secured...wedding party chosen...on and on.
So a little over a week ago...The bomb drops.
The wedding is postponed.....INDEFINITELY.
Tony is moving to join a band that has been touring steadily and plans on starting a European tour. The biggest shocker is that his strongest supporter is Laura.
She says that if Tony doesn't pursue music, he will never be happy and that she never wants him to wonder what if..... Smart girl. I have to agree. I know my son and he has been frustrated for quite awhile musically.
His sister who was planning to go back to school in the fall and is now postponing school in order to move in with Laura so they don't lose the huge and cheap apartment they now rent. She's always had a hard time in school but she was determined to stop working and just concentrate on graduating with her degree. In her eyes, she is helping her brother and putting her plans on hold is not a problem.
Repeat...not my life.
Everyone is now excited for him. I know he is nervous. He is not only leaving Laura, family, friends, and great job but he is headed for the unknown. That's always scary.
But he NEEDS to do this.
Its his art.

And I am proud of him... how can I not be? He is brave.
He is following his passion.

New Art and New Products

2008-07-13T18:07:00.007-05:00

This weekend was Dick Blick's Learning Expo in Lisle, IL. I'd been looking forward to going, especially since I found out they were selling the new
pan pastels. These are pastels that I've been dying to try. Every rave review I've read and heard are absolutely true. They are fantastic. Creamy and smooth!! They blend beautifully.... I LOVE THEM!!
I also bought more Canson's all media books that I can use to try out new techniques and ideas... Some more Golden's fluid acrylics that I was running out of....Gesso....Goldens also has a new product line.More Mixed Media...Digital grounds that you apply on just about any flat surface and you can print from your ink jet printer. All the info is at the Golden's website. So I bought a sample pack.
I also bought my future DIL a book on watercolors.

So while hubby celebrated his birthday out on the golf course, I was in my studio playing with my new pastels. I ended up creating a new journal page. I was thinking about what Luniladi had said in our last conversation. Where was I going?

I layered and layered and layered. By the time I was done my studio looked like a tornado had hit. Acrylics, inks, gesso, stamps, and papers were all over the place. In the end I'm happy with how it came out.

I also finished a page for a circus swap I'm in.

By the time I was done, it was BBQ time and the party began.

My laptop goes back to Dell to get fixed tomorrow. I miss it. Hubby's puter is too slow...but beggers can't be choosy and I NEED my internet.

Being a Kid Again

2008-07-06T17:01:00.005-05:00

Yesterday I realized I had forgotten how to play.
And all it took was for Desi to remind me that I'm not old. JEEZ I'm not 50 yet..and even thats not old.
At first I didn't know why or when it happened but I do know....
Work, school, bills,medical issues, kids....LIFE, or maybe how I percieved my life.
I know now that I didn't take the time to enjoy the little things and even some of the big things in my life.
I was busy!! I've been in a hurry all my life...even when there's no need.
Still am. I've rushed home from work even when the house is empty. Why?? Who knows. Patience has never been a virtue of mine.

Anyway, I thought about all this as I watched my 1 1/2 yr old grandson take in the wonders of the playground. When's the last time I played??? Really played?? Wow... with his dad when he was the same age, the summer before I started nursing school. And even though Tony and Anjelika came along later, I was wrapped up in keeping up with family, work etc. Too busy to enjoy. Its sad really. I feel sad for Tony and Anjelika more than anything. They missed out on the real me. Though they had a great childhood...they only saw glimpses of what and who mom was.
I could give the excuse that I was 21 and naive as to what lay ahead. That summer was fantastic. I was excited about starting nursing school and I had taken the summer off from working to spend time with Damien before I had to put him in daycare. Every day was play day. Picnics in the park, drawing, walks in the hood, reading stories to him, and acting like I was 5 at the park. By 5 pm we were ready for dad to get home from work and play some more. David still hasn't lost that playfulness. But I did.

So yesterday ...I played. I played with Desi like I did that summer with his dad.

I went down every slide that park had, swung on the swings, climbed everything. I even went throught the round wire tube that Damien cautioned me " Mom maybe you shouldn't go in there" Hey I fit...so I crawled right through and Desi followed laughing at his silly Mima.

I want to play more often. In life and in my art. Damien and Desi came by today. As David and Damien hung out and ran an errand. Desi and I did watercolor paintings as we sat in the grass with the sun shining down on us. Well.. I watercolored and he basically got watercolor paints all over himself , some did end up on the paper, and then dumped the pail of water all over his clothes.

Ahhh. but ain't life grand??

Ps..I am planning on using our masterpieces as a background for something...just don't know what yet.

EXHIBIT

2008-07-05T09:21:00.009-05:00

Last month I was asked if I was interested in putting my artwork in a gallery where Press Gang is having a show. Heart of Gold Loft. Before my mind could catch up with my mouth I said yes. In reality I had nothing, which meant I had to get to work on creating new stuff for the exhibit.

This is a first for me. So fear did not enter in the equation...yet. I had other projects going on at the same time and working overtime at my regular job.

WHAT WAS I THINKING????

The countdown:

Week 4..... nothing

Week 3... I start looking around my studio at what I have to work with. Are you kidding me??? I have an art supply store here!! So I first decide on 12 4x4 canvases I had other plans for. I did a quick wash and layered some paint and scraps of paper. Grabbed some canvas fabric and did a quick wash of watercolors on that... grabbed a 10x10 canvas I had painted and drawn previously for another project and made changes to that...

OK...got nothing

Week 2...Still no fear , no nerves acting up.

I add different paper to fabric and have a great idea on what to do. Work on the 4x4's..have great idea for that and go for it. Add more layers to the 10x10.

Week 1 and counting down the days....Patina the clothespins for the fabric canvas. Start mold for my knife on the 4x4's. And start on layers of tar gel.

Add more paint to that and add more layers of paint to 10x10.

Chaos and nerves set in...

The mold of my knife did not turn out like I saw it in my head. Even after I painted it...nope didn't work. Crap!!! what to do?? Paint I had planned on using for the tar gel isn't right... Fly over to Dick Blicks, get right color..just in case I get another shade too. Add that... ok, I'm happy.

But the whole point was the knife...now I'm sweating it.

Doubt begins to settle in and the inner critic is screaming at me... "What were you thinking??? Your stuff doesn't belong there". I start to freak out. Call Luniladi and as always she encourages me and says just the right things. She emails me at work everyday with encouraging words. God I love her!!

Day 5... I am told when I can come over with artwork.

Day 4.... I am told I need to have info about my work.

Crap I have nothing!!! Mind is a blank... I freeze. MAJOR FREAK OUT

Day 3...no time, DH and kids look at my stuff, DH says he doesn't get it...not to say its bad... just doesn't get it.

Day 2.... Finish fabric piece and hate it, The 4x4 need something... have no clue what that something is.

The 10x 10 is at least done and I'm ok with it.

Get my hair cut and done which was waaaay overdue. At least I'll look cute if my artwork sux.

Go out for dinner with DH to celebrate our 28th anniversary, have martinis with dinner on an empty stomach and needless to say the rest of my evening didn't go as planned. We wanted to keep the night going ...it was a beautiful night... but I was zonked out by 10. Jeez I'm a fun date!! Well I was.. till the last of the martini was gone and I realized oops... bad idea

DAY 1... I had taken Thursday and Friday off. BIL comes in from out of town for exhibit and show and an appt. Monday before he goes back home. Surprise my Tias with a visit with Desi, drop Desi back off and Start to seriously freak out.

Well at least I'm done with my 3 pieces.

DAY OF EXHIBIT: Wake up before the roosters, freaking out. I want to throw up. Sit in my studio looking around. My eyes focus on a paper mache hand and another canvas next to it..

I have this vision for the hand and the canvas that kinda unifies the 4x4 canvas and the 10x10. I start working. Pulled out the heat gun to rush the drying time..

I don't think I've ever used my heat gun so much at one time!!

My hubby comes in and says that by looking at my art, people are gonna think our marriage sux. We laugh and I see what he means. I don't even know where this comes from cause after 28 yrs we still have fun together.

It 11am and I'm done! As happy as I can be with inner critic buzzing in my ear. Call Luniladi to tell her what I did.. she even thinks I'm nuts for changing my mind...but again very encouraging.

I still need to name my pieces and my mind won't cooperate. call Damien figuring since he write lyrics he can help. "I got nothing, sorry"

He comes by to pick up equipment and looks over my finished work. Smiles and says the 4x4's look like a Bon Jovi song and laughs.

Finally have a plan and take quick pics before I head out the door. They didn't turn out great and I totally forgot to take pics at the gallery. Dummy me.

Lost Souls

Disillusion

Lost

Thanks alot Bon Jovi

After all was said and done..It was a success.

I had people come up to me that have known me for years that had no idea I did this and they liked it, or those that found out it was mine after someone else told them. It was great meeting new people that enjoyed what I did.

And the best part???

My hubby of 28 yrs comes up to me and says.. "WOW.. being up on a wall with other peoples art.... It looks great! on the floor in your room doesn't even compare"

That put a smile on my face...He finally gets it!

Catching up

2008-07-05T08:14:00.011-05:00

Wow, its been a long time since I posted....
The whole reason to start this blog was making time for myself. Which I have but somehow this went by the wayside. I love reading blogs. I read emails and read my blogs before heading off to work in the morning. But I've been working alot of overtime in order to put it into the "Tony's getting married" fund. More on that later.
Baby girl turned 21 with a blow out party.

Damien made the flyers

Her friends from Denver, Forth Yeer Freshman surprised her by being the headlining band. http://www.myspace.com/forthyeerfreshman
It took a year to plan since they tour and we wanted to surprise her.
She knew they were touring but had no idea they were coming. She thought they were in Indiana that night. So when they came in asking for directions to Indiana, she jumped all over them.

Tony and Damien played http://www.myspace.com/roadcrew13
Damien's new band http://www.myspace.com/pressgang3

and Tony and Laura...http://www.myspace.com/littlesisterthebullies.

we all had a great time.

I've been spending time with my favorite little man...

I've been making some new art

There's more but I keep forgetting to take pics until after I send stuff out.

That puter bag I wanted in an earlier post??? Got it after valentines Day.

And now my laptop took a dump. I've been on DH's puter which is super slow and playing phone tag with Dell.
Worked on new stuff that took me in some ways in a different direction.
But thats a post all on it own.

I'm a new wife and mom....AGAIN

2008-02-19T12:32:00.003-06:00

I'm home sick. Have a fever ... I still am dizzy from my new glasses. These progreesives suck.. I just see clearer as my head is spinning thats all......I feel like crap, am bored and i'm sure I'm hallucinating. Gotta be.

David is back on days after what 5 yrs or is that 7? Lost count. Nini moved back home so she can go back to school. Oh with Kirby ( her BF) in tow. Sometimes here..Sometimes not. but still... he is here, which I'm not saying is a bad thing. I'm just saying...My nights are not my own anymore.

My groove thang has gone haywire.

My nights after work consist of making dinner, setting the table, washing dishes, getting stuff ready for next day.. then dropping dead from exhaustion, just so I can be up at the crack of dawn (its not EVEN dawn yet btw) by 4:30 the next day to make lunches and read email and get ready for work. Why not make lunches the night before you may ask??? Cause they like FRESH lunches. AND whatever GOOD tv shows I DVR'ed (DVR'd??) I won't be able to watch cause David a) doesn't like them or b) I'm too damn tired and fall asleep within the first 5 mins.

I know that somewhere..long time ago I did this. yep.. Add 2 boys... yep I use to do this and more. That was when all 5 of us lived here. A Looooooooooooong time ago. ok, maybe not that long. But still, we are creatures of habit and when the last of my brood moved out and hubby was working nights. My life became my own ..to do as I saw fit. That included but not limited to: channel surfing.. yes, a remote control to call my very own. NO sharing, crackers n cheese for dinner or take out or nothing, my choice, um.... sitting in my studio, creating or just eyeballing all my goodies. Coming up with ideas and jotting them down, trying out stuff in my journal, reading my emails and checking out my groups, reading blogs but forgetting to write in my own.

So as I sit here nursing myself, I come to admit to myself ( Shhhhhhh don"t tell my family) I like cooking, I enjoy thier company, tv isn't that important, I like the fact David washes the dishes and I only have to do the pots. Nini and Kirby clear the table, shovel snow, take out the garbage, and they all thank me each night for dinner and tell me how good it is. Kirby has become David's Nintendo partner while I make dinner, and Nini is my companion at the store and everyone comes out to get the groceries from the car. My bed is made every morning now..Oh and I have a husband again 7 nights a week that I can put my cold ass feet up against to get them warm with no complaints. hmmmm I really like this... all of this.

Changes and more assumptions

2008-02-02T12:55:00.003-06:00

We are back to this... after how many months???

I never create anything that I actually keep. Everything goes out the door.

But this time it's different.

I was in the process of creating some fatbook pages when my oldest came into my studio cause his dad told him he pissed off mom. Well, it all stems from my post months ago when my son figured I don't have a life. I thought everything was ok and once again we were back to it.

Hurt turns to anger. And my words were "I'm done". Done with worrying, thinking, doing, for everyone else.

So, here I was in the middle of creating a page when he walks in and once he tell me he heard I was mad but didn't know why...I went off. Called him a self centered, elitest brat and that anything that he doesn't consider importatnt isn't. I think shock is a good way to describe the look on his face. But he agreed.. and brought up having a baby. YEAH, that doesn't work with me anymore. I had 3 by his age and neither of our families knew of our struggles and I dealt with whatever came my way. With that we started talking..the whole time I'm working and talking. He looked around and said that he always supported my endeavors. Well.....he is right. He has always encouraged me. But to figure after a long day at work..I have nothing to do????..makes me nuts. He agreed he has been an ass and disrespectful.

I finished the page and kept it..... as a reminder. That my time counts.

Where's the change????

All within the same week....Hubby starts working days ( overnights for past 5 years) and our daughter moves back home in order to afford school.

Have to keep saying..

my time counts
my time counts
my time counts

Ahhhh but maybe it will feel like we are newlyweds... after almost 30 yrs.
Gotta smile

PURGE, PURGE,PURGE

2007-09-16T09:31:00.001-05:00

It feels sooo good to simplify my life.

Yesterday I went through the living room and dining room (that are still under semi-construction) and started throwing things out. Not completely blindly but more or less.
If I haven't used it, needed it in the past year ...out it went.

The clutter is gone!!!

Today I'm going through papers and magazines that I threw in a box.
I still have a box in the extra bedroom of old magazines that I bought through the last two years but never read. Must be a obsessive thing, had to have them monthly but never would read them. So I'm sure there are techniques and wonderful art awaiting me.

I wish I could take a month off of work just to get this house where we want it.
The living room moved to the old studio in the basement. More of a family room and the living room will be more of a sitting/acoustic room with a baby grand and some acoustic guitars.
The baby grand by the picture window will look great.
But I still have to purge the old studio of stuff that never made it to the new one on the first floor.

My new laptop arrived this week in all its spendid RED glory. I got the new Dell XPS in RED!!!
With all the bells and whistles!! Now I need a new bag to carry it in, cause the one they gave me isn't what I wanted but hey my boss wants to buy it from me and then I can buy this one.

Way cooler and more me!!

Assumptions

2007-09-09T07:58:00.001-05:00

As the saying goes... "Assume makes an ass out of you and me".
Or something like that. Anyways, these past few weeks I've learned there have been some assumptions made about me that are sooo wrong. The more I thought about it, the more upset I got.
It started with Damien (my oldest), wanting me to babysit. It always starts off the same, so I know its coming..."mom, can you watch the baby". Which is usually fine. (To my surprise I love being a grandma!)
" Are you doing anything on ______ ?"
Does doing my artwork or reading constitute doing something? Or even wanting a peaceful night to myself?
I feel like it does yet my guilt says otherwise. Because really I can do that the next night or the night after.
So I asked him if he knew what I did at night when I got home from work and his dad left for work ( David works night). And his answer blew me away..." Nothing, read People, maybe play on the
computer, watch TV.."
Wow...my life in his eyes is pretty boring and lame.

I got pissed.

Do I watch TV? yes..its usually on as background noise when I'm home by myself. I DVR anything I really want to watch and then I only watch that when I go to bed.

Read People? Its my guilty pleasure. I read a lot. Books, art mags, zines... I can get lost in a book.

" Play on the computer?" What is that? I don't play games...I read email, blogs, and most of the time I'm organizing and fixing the gazillion pics we have on our pc.

I guess that in the last two years I wasn't doing much...granted I stopped creating anything.
Is that where the bases of his assumption lies?? But then again HE was the one that first encouraged me..then pushed me to making him a book of all my old Cuban recipes and to "art it up". Which I did.... which led to Tony (middle son) and Anjelika (baby girl) asking for one too but with different covers. I was surprised that they turned out as great as they did. I'll post pics later.
And that finally led to me to creating again.

So after getting pissed, being hurt, and obsessing about it. I told him...I'm in my art studio every night..after I get home from work and pick up, get the coffee ready for David, read my emails and after David leaves...I play, organize and reorganize. Or I sit and look around at all my STUFF, till inspiration hits. And it usually does...so if it gets too late I jot it down in my sketchbook that I started. I also have now a journal I call my wish book. It keeps the stuff I want to buy...art supplies, mags, and books...all having to do with art.
And also my art journal... the keeper of all things related to me..... thoughts, things that inspire me, hopes, dreams......

So I am a busy girl....just no one sees it

NEW BEGINNINGS

2007-09-02T23:18:00.001-05:00

I'm making it just before midnight...but I am making it.....finally.

Today I am 48. It's hard for me to believe. It was just 2 years ago when my life got away from me. I was doing so well and then the heart attack. I thought it was just panic or stress. Guess not. It scared everyone but worse me. The heart can be mended ( great docs) but the after effects...not so easy. At least for me.

I stopped living...but the funny thing is life keeps moving even if your not moving with it.

So much happened in those two years and I look at it now almost like in a dream state. I was there.....but it felt like I was outside looking in. Someone else's life I was watching. Kinda hard to explain. Fear...dread.. always looking over my shoulder. Since I know there is still more work to be done..when will the other shoe drop and I'm back in the hospital. Will I make it next time?? It was a close call last time. Recovery isn't easy sometimes, it can be a rough road. Physcially and mentally.

But in the last 2 months something changed... not sure how or when it happened....the veil was lifted. I feel more like me again.

So here I am..ready again...starting all over.